Why I Can Not Watch Football

I am sitting here reading, okay, before I started writing this I was sitting here reading my Bicycling Magazine.  Now all I want to do is go ride my bike.  I love reading the magazine.  Even though alot of the jargon and technical terms are over my head.  I love losing myself in someone else’s story.  I just started reading an article about a man and his family riding thousands of miles for summer vacation.  So what do I want to do?  Break out the panniers I have never used even once, pack them up, get on the bike, and go.  I don’t have to convince David.  I bet he has some panniers stuck some place already packed for when I come to my senses; say ‘let’s blow all this responsibility’ and just go where ever we want.  On our bikes.  I should have known better than to pick up the magazine.  But I do it every month.

And every month I do this also.  I start lamenting:  why aren’t I out there riding more than what I am?  I know why.  Because I work.  Because I have kids.  Because I have the Queen in my life.  I have friends who do not ride.  I have family who do not ride.  I have large parts of my life who do not ride.  And I have large parts of my life that need tending to that do not include me getting on my bike and peddling away.   So I keep tending to the things I need to tend to and keep an eye out for the time and opportunity that I can do something like get on my bike and ride with only one plan.  Ride and enjoy.

Though getting on my bike fuels my thoughts and day dreams and future planning even.  It isn’t the only thing I can not read about, or watch on TV, without this intense pressure building up.  I can no longer watch football on TV (sorry Buckeyes-I love you and always root for you).   I can no longer watch because the minute the whistle blows and all these men are running and slamming and football throwing I suddenly get the urge (and the insane notion that I can) to be out there doing the same.  Yeah, I could go long, catch the ball, run it in.  Or I could be the one stopping the other team from running it in.  Slam his arse to the ground.  And pump and jump around knowing I just saved the game.

My imagination runs wild.

I can not even watch the Tour de France, or read about RAAM, or Olympic TKD, or local tournaments, or pull up any of this on YOUTUBE.   Oh I want to watch it.  See it.  But the hard part is I want to do it, live it, be it, be there.  And I’m not.  The last OSU game I watched I stood up for most of it doing my TKD forms because I could not sit still while someone else was DOING SOMETHING I wish I could do.  I use to religiously watch the Olympics when time permitted.  Can’t do it.  There is no more Saturday prep to watch the game.  There is no more attending tournaments to watch or even help judge.  I don’t want to be a sideliner.  I want to be a participant.

I feel pretty particapatory (is this a word?) in life in general.  But not all of our life is designed to be physically achieving and accomplishing something.  I don’t know why not.  I think it would save on a lot of emotional strife if we focused more on participating in life than doing as little as possible while technology and progress move us ever closer to doing less and less for ourselves.  I don’t mean that riding 150 miles in one day is more important than doing other things like earning a living and developing and keeping relationships.   But I would rather be out riding my bike than watching someone else on TV do it.  I would rather be running the football than watching someone else do it.  I would rather be testing myself in TKD than judging someone else.

So I pick up this magazine and start reading about riding.  I can’t go out and ride right now.  But I can do what I can, I can get up every morning and ride the trainer.  And I do.  Because it keeps me ready for when I can get out on the bike in the fresh air and peddle to some tunes, or to the crackling leaves under my tires, or to a discussion with David about touring the great USA on a bike.  I do my TKD forms on a very regular basis so when I can do them with someone else, or teach them to someone else, I am ready to go.  I have to admit, I don’t practice football, never did, but I still can not sit still for 4 hours on a Saturday and watch someone else play.  I still WANT to be out there clashing and smashing, running and jumping, spinning and sweating down the field.

When I am done writing this I will go back to reading the article.  It takes me a while because I’ll start to read it and need to get up and “do” something because I am not out there touring Canada dragging my 3 young sons behind me on my own power.  Yeah, I don’t even have 3 sons.  I don’t even have one son.  Well, I have a son in law now.  But he doesn’t ride.  I’ll get back up and clean something, or fold laundry.  Or do my TKD forms.  Maybe I’ll do my push ups to build up my old Mamo guns.

Funny thing is, well, actually it’s kind of sad.  I spent a large part of my younger mom years sitting around doing as little as possilbe.  I worked very hard at keeping a clean home, made dinner for my family nightly, and read to my kids.  All with the intention of getting every one else through their days and safely to sleep to start their lives all over again.  When they were asleep, I ate ice cream and watched TV.  That was my payoff.   We spent Saturdays in the fall eating pizza and watching football.  Friday nights were “Unsolved Mysteries” night (shout out to Amy Jane right here).  Fun was going out to eat, or ordering pizza in.  The other days had their moments, usually TV based.   Now, I go to work, seldom ever cook anything, the house isn’t near as clean, and  I can get up every morning and get on my trainer.  And the odd day that comes along and I can go ride, I do.  And I am ready for it.   Thats my pay off now.

Not all of my moments are based in fantasy bike touring land.  Or fantasy I am a Buckey land.  Or fantasy Chuck Norris face off land.  The best moments involve everyone who I love and talk to and spend good time with.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  But when a moment comes that I can go ride, I want to be ready for that too.  I do wish I could share it more with others.  I wish I could get others to want to “do” instead of watch.  But I went through my watching years.  Now I am in my living years.  I take advantage of it when I can.

So, I’ll go back to my magazine in just a minute.  For a few minutes.  I won’t be able to sit there long while this man is peddling around Canada on the pages I read.  But I’ll lose myself in what he is doing long enough to get that urge to be out there doing something similar. For a few minutes I’ll be chilly pulling out in  the morning,  and  getting ready to summit that mountain pulling my kids behind me on my own power, by the time I get there the sweat will be rolling everywhere and I’ll think my heart is the size of a football ricocheting off of my rib cage.  It will be great.  Then I’ll slam the magazine down and power through some house chore or TKD form.

Crap.   I just need to go on a bike ride.