What Scares The Shit Out Of Me

This blog is brought to you courtesy of Ashley, Maggie and I all writing blogs on the same randomly selected topic.  And by random I mean we went to a billion different sites to get a topic we could all agree on.

David said nothing scares me.

But some things do.

One of my biggest fears is that  I will die in my sleep, or alone and unknown by others,  and not have said things I need to say to those left behind.  I think I’ve touched on this before.  But even though I fear that, and have written things for my kids and family, and David, I fear it.  I fear dying soundlessly and with no way to tell my children I love them and I will miss them.  But I don’t want them to be tormented over me dying.  I did not get to say goodbye to my dad.  And that tormented me for years.  I want my kids to know that if they don’t get a chance to say good bye to me it’s because I don’t like goodbyes.  And I don’t.  Maybe dad didn’t either.  So even though it scares me, at least I can keep doing stuff like writing this blog so my kids can come back to it (decades from now) and read that they don’t have to be tormented.   I am not so much …. well, dead, as I am just somewhere else.

I am scared of evil.   That seems pretty broad.  But all evil comes down to evil acts people do to one another.   There’s no real way to protect yourself and your loved ones from it.  I do believe there are evil people, or people filled with evil, however you want to look at it.  You can not reason with evil.  I think that is part of the fear, you can’t reason with it.  And evil’s sole intent is to do harm.  I fear people who wish to inflict harm and pain on others.  I don’t understand evil, I can not reason with evil, I fear it’s ability.

I am scared of a lot of things.  But I also believe that fear is a motivator and has been the foundation of many courageous acts.

“Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do.  There can be no courage unless you’re scared.”    Edward Vernon Rickenbacker

How true is this?  I mean, if you don’t fear something and you do it, it’s just…. fun.  Or work.   Or getting out of bed in the morning.  But if you fear it and face it, do it, conquer it, it strengthens you.

And I think one of my biggest fears is, that I am a coward.  That when it comes down to it, will I fail if confronted by something that scares the shit out of me.  None of us really knows how we will react.  But little things make me wonder about myself and I fear being a coward when my child, my grandchild, my husband may need me.  Letting them down.  That scares the shit out of me.

I’ve listed three things here.  And they are three things that I really can not do anything about.  Maybe that’s why they scare the shit out of me.   I really don’t like that there are things I have no control over.

OH MAN!  That is what scares the shit out of me!!!!  Having no control.