Sometimes things happen that just make you stop.
Today while sitting in the doctor’s office waiting on the cardiologist to come in and tell us what the husband’s tests said – my life just stopped. For a moment. That moment.
Literally just stopped.
I know we were there for a reason. Something is going on, of course we don’t know everything, but that’s why we were there, to find out.
He is sitting on the exam table with his shirt off. He had laid back for a second and closed his eyes.
And my world just stopped.
I did not want the doctor to come in. I didn’t want anyone to say anything that may change his world and how he sees it. I didn’t want someone else to come in and tell him what may or may not change in his life. I didn’t want someone to tell him he was not healthy and then have him look in the mirror and think to himself that he is not healthy.
How could there be anything wrong with his heart? He’s young. And don’t anyone tell him different. He’s strong. He works hard. He works willingly and endlessly for so many people. And he does it without a lot of people knowing or recognizing how hard he works for them. I mean this in regards to his ‘job’, and in regards to life. He does a lot.
I know having heart and your heart may not be the same physiological thing. But when I’m talking about my husband I can not differentiate.
I sat in my brown vinyl chair. The one that is reserved for the person the doctor is not interested in. I knew my place today. And in that chair or not, it was to be with him.
I stared at him sitting reclining back on the brown vinyl exam table. Wearing his khaki pants, with his beige shirt thrown over him so he could just hand it to me when the doctor came in. It was kind of chilly in there. His nerves must have been playing with him because he nearly blended in with the wall and the pale shirt. The whole scene was very beige to me.
That moment froze. My own heart froze. I knew I couldn’t stop the doctor from coming in. And even if I could I could not change what needed to be said, or didn’t need said. There was nothing I could do to stop or change or control what would come after this moment unfroze.
When the moment unfroze, as all moments do, nothing changes what I know. His heart is the healthiest heart I know. It is constructed out of unconditional and never ending love.