Home Improvement (ME Version)

I like to think I am pretty strong.    Strong willed.   Strong of body.  Strong emotionally.   I got it together.

I like to picture myself calm, collected, reassuring to others.   Reliable.  Capable of dealing with a multitude of situations and remaining a sensible human being.

I like to believe that when others are going off or diving off in to the deep end I am the purest voice of reason.

The truth is…. the truth is…..

I still want to believe those things.

But the past couple of months have painted a picture, a very vivid picture, of myself, in my brain.

What I want to believe and what is the reality of things, seem to be not coinciding.

I have cussed more, carried on more, ranted more, and basically been a raving loon for oh…. let’s say three months now.

When I would like to be the one saying “oh that’s okay, we’ll figure it out”  the reality is I am likely saying “WHAT THE (insert choice word of your own choosing)!”.

When I would like to be the one saying “oh I don’t mind my entire life changing as long as it means I can help someone else”  the reality is I am likely saying “WHAT THE HELL!!!”     If you thought you would get another choice here, sorry.

When I would like to be the one saying “I don’t need to be in control I just need to be flexible”.    The reality is I am likely saying “WHADDA YA MEAN I CAN’T DO WHAT I WANT?!”

When I would like to respond “Sure honey I would be more than happy to do whatever you need”.  The reality is I am likely saying “OH MY GOD I AM SO TIRED I DON’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING  (insert pathetic sigh).  And the “honey” I refer to here is anyone whom I would refer to as honey.  If it applies to you you know who you are.

Reflecting upon the last few months I make it clear to my husband that I am seriously and continually sorry.   I know things about myself.  I need control.   Right now I have absolutely none.  I can not strong will the world in to bending or veering in the direction I need it to go.   I can’t control what others do or do not do.   I can not control anything.

Outside of me.

Inside of me, I got all the power and control I want.   At least in regards to who I am and how I act.

I need to choose.

I left work today choosing to do work merrily.    And I do enjoy doing my work.  But my work has been controlled by others.  So today I left my work job to go do some work on the house.   Regardless of what I could do I was going to do it merrily.   And I planned about three different things I could do in the event I could not do one or two of them because of things outside of my control.

Merrily I say.   My choice.

Me, in control of me.

I hang my head in shame.  Circumstances outside of my control yet again dictated what I would and would not be doing today.

God sent me a message loud and clear.   I am NOT in control.   Of anything.   But me.   And I failed again.

So what did He do?  He sent me home.   And I am riding my bike.

So why, exactly, do I always have to remain in control.  Sometimes He knows better what I need.   And I need to just do it.

So I am.   Riding my bike that is.    And what in the world do I have to complain about that?



At all.

I am strong enough to know I am not perfect.   I need to work on it daily.  I need to work on the one and only thing I can control.   Who I am.   How I react.   How I treat my world.

I’ll get it together.