I like to think I am pretty strong. Strong willed. Strong of body. Strong emotionally. I got it together.
I like to picture myself calm, collected, reassuring to others. Reliable. Capable of dealing with a multitude of situations and remaining a sensible human being.
I like to believe that when others are going off or diving off in to the deep end I am the purest voice of reason.
The truth is…. the truth is…..
I still want to believe those things.
But the past couple of months have painted a picture, a very vivid picture, of myself, in my brain.
What I want to believe and what is the reality of things, seem to be not coinciding.
I have cussed more, carried on more, ranted more, and basically been a raving loon for oh…. let’s say three months now.
When I would like to be the one saying “oh that’s okay, we’ll figure it out” the reality is I am likely saying “WHAT THE (insert choice word of your own choosing)!”.
When I would like to be the one saying “oh I don’t mind my entire life changing as long as it means I can help someone else” the reality is I am likely saying “WHAT THE HELL!!!” If you thought you would get another choice here, sorry.
When I would like to be the one saying “I don’t need to be in control I just need to be flexible”. The reality is I am likely saying “WHADDA YA MEAN I CAN’T DO WHAT I WANT?!”
When I would like to respond “Sure honey I would be more than happy to do whatever you need”. The reality is I am likely saying “OH MY GOD I AM SO TIRED I DON’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING (insert pathetic sigh). And the “honey” I refer to here is anyone whom I would refer to as honey. If it applies to you you know who you are.
Reflecting upon the last few months I make it clear to my husband that I am seriously and continually sorry. I know things about myself. I need control. Right now I have absolutely none. I can not strong will the world in to bending or veering in the direction I need it to go. I can’t control what others do or do not do. I can not control anything.
Outside of me.
Inside of me, I got all the power and control I want. At least in regards to who I am and how I act.
I need to choose.
I left work today choosing to do work merrily. And I do enjoy doing my work. But my work has been controlled by others. So today I left my work job to go do some work on the house. Regardless of what I could do I was going to do it merrily. And I planned about three different things I could do in the event I could not do one or two of them because of things outside of my control.
Merrily I say. My choice.
Me, in control of me.
I hang my head in shame. Circumstances outside of my control yet again dictated what I would and would not be doing today.
God sent me a message loud and clear. I am NOT in control. Of anything. But me. And I failed again.
So what did He do? He sent me home. And I am riding my bike.
So why, exactly, do I always have to remain in control. Sometimes He knows better what I need. And I need to just do it.
So I am. Riding my bike that is. And what in the world do I have to complain about that?
I am strong enough to know I am not perfect. I need to work on it daily. I need to work on the one and only thing I can control. Who I am. How I react. How I treat my world.
I’ll get it together.