So I wanted to be a nun. I still think about it. A lot.
I am not really “religious”. And by that I mean I am not a huge fan of organized religion. Mostly because I feel organized religion is usually a business and seems to have little to do with faith. Other than using people’s faith to increase their business’ bottom line.
My being a nun would be based on my faith. Not on a religion.
Ever since I was a small child I have had this vision of being a nun. I envision a life of doing nothing other than praying, worshiping, doing and studying for God. I have to say I never got the calling. But I have had lots of thoughts about it. I think if I had become a nun I would have fulfilled my OCD traits to the max. I would do nothing but focus on the praying and the living of a nun’s life. But it would have had to of been very specific. Probably in a monastery. I am sure I would not have done well as a nun with other distractions. If I had been a nun it would have had to been a secluded nun life. None of this going out in to the world kind of nunnery.
I would do good works and charitable works. But it would have had to of been from behind the monastery walls so I could focus internally on my thoughts and prayers, my questions and searchings. Like making clothing or some other such thing for others. Doing things for others, but doing it without being around a lot of others.
I don’t think I would have handled being a nun well if I had to mix nun life with living in a world full of so much other stuff. To be a nun I would have wanted to be secluded. And I think a monastery in Ireland would have sufficed. Total country. Total dedication to One. Serving One.
I think that is why I feel so lost, at times, now. There are so many things pulling my attention. Distracting. Tempting. So much to try and experience. And though I love all that life has to check out. I sometimes feel myself dog paddling through life trying to figure out which direction to go. I never really feel settled. I always feel like I am missing something, or not doing something I’m suppose to be doing. There is something more to what I am suppose to be doing.
The odd thing is, I don’t really think about being a nun. I picture it. I picture a very sedate life style. Settled. Peaceful. It’s like these snapshots pop in to the theater of my brain. I see the life. The life of me as a nun. In a monastery setting. It’s usually only a picture or two at a time. But the pictures are always clear. And varied. But they run along a life of pictures. Working. Praying. Peace. Contentment. I’ve had nearly forty years of these pictures. These visions.
A lot of people don’t know this about me. And it’s something I don’t fully understand.
But I still think about it. Picture it. I even bought a little nun statue once because it made me feel good to have it around. I need to get her back out.