I’ll Learn It Eventually

It takes me a very long time to learn new things.   To totally absorb them and have trust in myself that I know something well.

I have been doing martial arts for fifteen years.  I do not for one minute believe I know it.   Biking?   About ten years as a passion.   Most of my life in general.  I know nothing about the skill of biking.   But I love it.  The list could go on.  The list isn’t important.   It’s learning about myself.   That’s my point.

I’m a slow learner.   But a steady learner.  I learn things, I add to it.   I can not stress how sloooooooooooooow I learn.   When it comes to learning about myself it never ends.   And it takes me forever, forever, F   O   R    E   V   E  R  (my kids should laugh at this use of “forever” and a billion bonus points to whoever else gets this) to learn about me.

Lets study what I have learned about my capabilities.

The things I want to do in life, I want to do them for so many reasons.   Passions.   Challenges.   Ideals.   Desires.   Many reasons for many different things I want to do.

Problem is, I’m not a natural at much.   At least not physically.    As an adult I have taken on many interests to discover…..I am not naturally inclined to do much of anything athletic.   Perhaps I have a tendency to be strong.   Just bulky strong.  Not exceptional strong, but strong enough.   But that was not enough for me so I chose to look in to other things.

Tae Kwon Do, for example.   There is nothing easy about martial arts for me.  I do not have flexibility or speed.   I am fused in so many ways it is actually kind of stupid of me to want to do it.   Biking?  Hello, check out some of my previous blogs.   For some reason animals and idiots are drawn to me like the proverbial magnet.  I am the magnet and animals and idiots are the metal.   Running?   Getting my very square and squat body to run, well, add it to the list.

My body has been trying to tell me for nearly twenty years that I am not built to do these things.    My neck revolted at the idea of martial arts.   My back and hip and shoulder caved to the freakin dogs and deer.   My knees are screaming at me no matter what I do.

So, body, and heart, are not in sync.

So be it.

Maybe my body isn’t meant to do these things.  I don’t have the grace and agility and natural skill that I admire in so many people.   I can’t toss my body around and it just accept and absorb the punishment.   It has, or had, other ideas on how it planned on living out it’s life.

But I have other plans.   I have learned not to tempt the fates.   Okay, it took me many years and incidents to stop tempting the fates.   But I did.  Stop I mean.   And I’m not doing it now.   I’m just trying to learn about me.  Why do I insist on continuing to try and do things that my body is not naturally inclined to do?

I don’t know.

That’s the easy answer.

The longer, and likelier more boring, answer is:  it’s part of my living.   My life.  My moments.

Sure things have broken.   Things have come undone.   Things have gotten bruised and tore up.   But in the doing of all of these things I experience life.   When I started martial arts I opened my life to phenomenal challenges and exceptional people.   When I started riding bicycles as serious fun I found exhilaration in speed, distance and beauty in the world around me.  I have challenged myself, not any old fate, and I have won my own battles.  Some of them I have failed.   But even with the challenges that I haven’t conquered I have traveled a path that taught me something or took me somewhere.   With every attempt at running I find myself trying to learn more about how my body works and how I can make it work better and keep me healthier longer.

And even with the damages done, I learn in the living through it.  I learn that I have gumption.  That’s right, gumption.   I have fortitude.   I have strength and courage.   And I have fear.  I am not always brave.   I am not always independent.  All of the things that I have done, or tried to do, have given me glimpses of others, given me time with others, some things were accomplished with others, completed because of help from another, or achieved despite others.

I’m okay with coming to the conclusion that I am not graceful, or naturally gifted with many physical skills.   I have learnt that I am gifted with the ability to over look what I think I shouldn’t be doing, and try it anyway.