I like to think of myself as pretty tough. I can take stuff. I can take it on the chin and remain on my feet. I can shake things off and keep being my pleasant and go about my life self. I like to think that. And I believe it. But it finally dawned on me the other day that sometimes, sometimes, things happen and they can knock you for a loop.
Even for me to write that last little sentence above makes me feel ….weak? No, not weak, uhm….discombobulated? Well, maybe. I’ll be the first to admit I can blow a cussin’ gadget pretty quickly. Something fires me up and pop off pretty fast and sometimes furious. But that’s usually the extent of it. A blow up is kind of like getting bottle of Diet Coke, because I don’t drink regular that’s why, and it falling over on the table right before you open it. It’s not shook up too bad. But still, if you open it you’re going to get that little explosion of carbonated air. It’s quick, it’s not too messy. It’s over with and you can enjoy the rest of the Diet Coke.
But recently I haven’t been able to grab that bottle of Diet Coke before it rolls off of the table, bounces high off of the floor because it’s plastic and it hit perfectly on it’s rounded bottom edge, twitters around and then rolls under the table. When I go to pick it up someone else sitting there thinks they’ll be helpful and they try to nudge it out from under the table and it goes flying past my outstretched hand in the chair and bounces crazily across the room.
Well, that’s how life feels right now.
I’m chasing that bottle of carbonation. Trying to stop it from shaking up any more because I want it. I want it cold. I want it bubbly but not exploding.
I want it to be sitting on top of the table next to my dinner. I want it calmly where it is suppose to be. Where I want it.
It’s still rolling around being shuffled about from one foot to another like a hacky sack.
Where I use to be able to pop off the occasional cussing barrage or even just a minor ‘damnation’ and be restored to good mental health…. it’s not working. Which of course makes it worse. Because I should be able to take being knocked over, dropped off of a table, kicked and bunted about endlessly and only need that little pop of carbonated air to restore myself to good standing.
To admit that I need something more, something else, that I can’t just pop off and be done with it, doesn’t that mean…. I’m not in control?
OH MY GOD! OMG did not suffice.
We know how I am about control.
But no, it doesn’t. I might need more than that little pressure relief. Because outside forces are out of my control and affecting me does not mean I am out of control. Whew….. well that’s good to know.
And it doesn’t mean I’m not tough. Good to know.
But it does mean that sometimes, sometimes, things happen in life. And you get shook up beyond what you were prepared for. Beyond what your carbonation explosion cap can contain. You need to deal with it. I need to deal with it. And life shaking me up? Yeah, it happens. And sometimes, it’s just not easy.
Just acknowledging that it does shake me up gave me the permission I needed to admit to myself….. it’s okay to be shook up. You’ll be okay. I can take it. On the chin. And even if it knocks me for a loop…. I’m a ninja and will land on my feet! 🙂 Thats a special message for a few of my readers. But for the rest of you…. I might get knocked for a loop and I might even be discombobulated by it. But I’m not weak. I’m still standing.
Maybe wobbly, but I got my bottle of Diet Coke in my hand.
Should I open it?