If there is one thing I try to be, at least with myself, it’s realistic.
And my apologies but I am discovering (but kind of all ready knew) I am a bit#*. Okay, I can be a not nice person.
I can explain to myself why I feel the way I do. There are reasons including pressures, frustrations and general world craziness. But I can not reason it and rationalize it enough to let myself get away with it any longer.
I feel irritated so I cuss.
I have a cranky thought so I mutter.
I am exasperated so I complain.
I don’t understand something so I get angry.
Trust me, there’s more.
It use to be…. oh not even so very long ago…. sigh…. It use to be that the craziness of what lie outside of me, what was sprawled around my world and just generally in the way and made for me to trip over-did not get to me like this. I could shrug it off. I could walk around it. Go over it. Go through it if need be. Not that going those ways was easy, but I felt strong and confident about who I was and getting to where I needed to go. I always knew my direction. I was strong even when I was diverted. When physically I would falter, spiritually and emotionally I would strengthen.
Now? If I don’t agree with the way the world is laid out around me I feel my insides crinkle, crack, and this horrible and unfamiliar feeling creep up up up my spine. The lining inside of me is a glass that crackles all around. And I feel a little shattered every time I fail my self. And I fail myself every single time I utter words I am ashamed of, or think thoughts that torment me.
And I don’t like it.
Not one little bit.
It could be my age. It could be physical. It could be depression. It could be all kinds of things.
What I know for sure is, it is not nice. So the first thing I need to do is apologize to my own little world. This is not who I am. Nor is it who I want to be. I recognize this, I own it. I am what I am. And I am none too happy with what I am owning. But I owe it to myself and to my world to own it. I would love to sell it! If anyone wants it they can have it. I won’t even charge you for it. No, no!!! I can’t do that. Even if I could, I wouldn’t . Actually I would feel quite negligent in selling it anyway. Maybe if I find a way to dispose of it, I will. It’s really not worth having. There’s nothing good about it.
I don’t think.
Unless having it is making me do this self reflection.
And this self reflection is part of my path.
And my path is always, I hope, towards being a better person than I was yesterday. Heaven knows I can certainly be better than I have been the last six months.
So if I own this, and I don’t like owning it. I can’t, and shouldn’t want to, give it away let alone sell it.
What do I do with it?
Quite simply I have to deal with it. And in the meantime, and while I’m dealing with it, again…
My world – my apologies.