I ran three miles this morning. I’m trying to pay attention to things I read about when I’m running. And to information people who can run well, give me. Today I started out too fast. And realized it, which made me feel good. Just that I recognized that made me feel like I know a little bit about myself and what I can do. Then I decided I need to stop running like a block of wood.
And I relaxed. And ran like a real runner. For about half a mile. Then my mental constitution failed me. And…..I walked. Crushing blow. To me. Even when I just started this newest running adventure I managed to run, albeit very slowly, without stopping. But I want to run better not walk better. So I ran again. Mentally beating myself up for walking. I ran to the half way mark. Turned around and faced something I did not realize was there on the way out. Wind. Now it was in my face. As a biker I know how painful the wind can be. What a horrible foe, or blessing, it can be to me. Today it caressed my face. I told myself I wasn’t going fast enough for it blowing in my face to be a mitigating factor in whether it was a good run or not. I thoroughly enjoyed the coolness of it.
My body was saying walk you fool walk. And again, I walked. My head and my heart just gave up. For about ten or fifteen feet. It wasn’t my body doing anything different. It was my attitude, my fortitude, my determination was failing me. Because every run I ever go on at some point my body is screaming at me to walk. But I control my body and it does what I want it to do. And my mental strength is usually stronger than my physical self. But today I gave in to my body. And again, mentally berated myself.
What is wrong with me?
I know what’s wrong. I’m frustrated and worried about something that I have no control over. And it’s getting me down. A lot. It seems that everything I normally do and do with love or a sense of responsibility is suffering because of this part of my life I can not control.
So I started to run again.
When I finished my run I checked my time and whether it was by 30 seconds or five minutes it was my best run ever. I was stunned. All I really did today was hang on. Just get through it. Do it. Finish it. Be done with it so I can check it off for the day. Oh I’m still me though. Of course now I’m beating myself up saying “if I had only kept running I would have had a better time!” and I lament what I did not push myself to do.
But, being me, I also hang on to that little moment of joy when I realized I did hang in there. I did finish. And I did a little better than what I thought I could do. Or was capable of doing today.
Sometimes just hanging in there gets us better results in life than being at our best or being the best.
It’s a good day.