Shadow Over The Joy Of Living

Normally I write and feel better after I do.

I wrote about Jamey Rodemeyer two days ago.  I don’t feel any better.

I feel so bad, as a matter of fact, that it is very difficult to go about writing the way I normally do.

I live my days, take notice of something, and write about it.

It usually makes me pay more attention to a great moment of a day.  Or a great feeling of a moment.  Or helps me work through a maze of feelings about something I’ve witnessed or experienced.

This time I paid attention.  I read.  I watched news stories.  I tried to work through the confusion of this world and times we live in.

I got no satisfaction from writing about Jamey.  None at all.  This makes me feel bad.  Writing about him didn’t do anything to help him.   For this I feel bad.  It’s too late for any of us to help him.    For this I feel remorseful.   I didn’t know him, but have I lived fully in the concept of compassion and acceptance?

I’m just having such a difficult time having written about him, to go on and write about the good things in life.  Of which there are plenty.  But a child feeling so hopeless, helpless and beaten down enough to end his life.

To kill himself.

This puts a shadow over the joy of living.

There’s no way that writing about this is ever going to make anything better.

We have to start doing things.  Differently.

I try for the most part to remain upbeat and positive.  My apologies for not being able to shake this sadness.

He was just a child.

15 thoughts on “Shadow Over The Joy Of Living

    • I know Chris….think of the hundreds, likely thousands, of kids who read about Jamey and identified with him in some way. I hope their friends and family are stepping up and talking to these kids. They need to know “it does get better”. And each one of them has the ability to be part of change.

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  1. Few do know the terrible despair and hopelessness that drives a person to that final act. The pain so encompassing it is unbearable. If Jamey knew you, he would not want to silence your gift. He would want you to keep bringing joy to those who know you and love you, and those who have yet to meet you-in person or in text-who will undoubtedly love you.

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    • Thank you for the love and kind words. I just recognize that his suffering (and others) is more important and worthy of attention than what I write. When I think about him and know there are so very many more feeling like him…..it is overwhelming. I don’t like to keep using that word, but it is just that, overwhelming.

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  2. Thank you for writing this blog. It reflects my feelings well, and I am sure that tons of other people have also been affected in a similar way by Jamey and what happened to him. I was never bullied, because I was completely in the closet. I hope that people think about that for a minute. Because the environment of bullying and intolerance, even or perhaps especially if it is being condoned in the name of religion, destroys peoples lives. I was able to build a great live regardless and come out later. But it also meant that I spent half of my years with no social life to speak of. But Jamey’s live was destroyed before he could even become an adult. Bullying has to stop. True adults must realize that he was only being himself, and from seeing his videos I am convinced that he was not at all confused about being gay and that he was born that way.

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    • Thank you Mark, for sharing your thoughts. I’m not sure I understand a world that speaks of progressiveness when our children are killing themselves over millennium old problems. The problem being that we as people are scared of who someone else loves. It just really seems that simple to me. Why does it hurt me if a man loves a man, or a woman loves a woman? It saddens me that young Mark Smit could not freely speak of his feelings or safely ask someone questions. It saddens me that when Jamey did, he was ridiculed, tormented.

      I’m not gay and have never gone through what I would think is a large percentage of gay people have gone through. I’ve seen enough to surmise on my very own that people are “born that way”. I thought to myself a very long time ago when as a young person myself I heard people ridicule homosexuality and make comments about “it’s a choice”. And I thought to myself….’who would choose to be gay and be treated like this’?

      And religion being used as the foundation for hate? I’m with you. It is the worst. I was raised Catholic. I believe in God. How can anyone who believes in any form of Christianity (I can’t speak for other religions) think for one moment it is their job to hate in the name of God?

      I could go on and on….. thats why I started a blog 🙂

      I think I’ll blog about my comment above “hate in the name of God”.

      I really appreciate your reading and commenting. It’s what I always hope for from my blog: Communication. Sharing. Learning. Please feel free to educate me on anything I misspeak of, or don’t know about (there’s a lot) that you can help with.

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  3. I’m an optimist and from reading your blogs I get a feeling that you are, too. I feel that the communication, sharing, and learning that is happening in the world today cannot but have a positive impact on future generations. Perhaps that’s why we get the more upset when we learn of a story like Jamey’s, who had the Internet on his side but still lost from the bullies.

    I guess you would have made a perfect catholic cast member for our “No Hate” project in the Netherlands 🙂 http://www.geenhaat.nl/en/about.html

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  4. This frightens me, and it pains me in a way that I can’t explain. I’m a grade 9 student and I have been bullied since grade 6, most people don’t understand the pain that we go through… I’m sorry to jamey’s family and my prayers go out to them.

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    • Be a strong person. And know that there are people who really love you. The bullies will lose in the end. Hopefully all of the publicity around Jamey will make more kids like you realize that you are valuable and special.

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    • Hi Bree. Thank you for reading, but thank you more for commenting. Its only by everyone talking about this and knowing it is a hurtful thing will we be able to make changes. I’m sorry that you are going through this. People do understand your pain and do care. You have to let those who care, help. If you tell one adult and don’t get help, then you tell another adult. I don’t know Jamey’s family, but I would think that children who suffer are at the top of their prayer lists too. Jamey obviously wanted people to hear his message. He did reach out. I’m glad you’re reaching out. We do care.

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  5. I am 13 and i am dearly sorry it would have to come to this I no kids can be harsh but who chooses the way they live i have been through every thing the bullying and teasing but after a while i would just flip out please i no u looking down on these comments Jamey and guess what i took my anger out on cutting my self i was in a hospital for 5 weeks i leared to defend my self and ignore what other ugly nasty people have to say to ignore it I love you and hopee you r are okay up their (:

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    • Gloria, thank you for reading, and for sharing. I am glad you got help. People can be very nasty and then think someone else has the problem for not being able to “take it”. I hope you are well and continuing to talk to people and always remember that ugliness is not deserving of your time. YOU must ALWAYS value YOU. I do. Again, thank you. And keep talking!!!!

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