I Can Talk About It-Now

I shared a blog today on my Facebook page called “Out Of Focus”.    If you click on the underlined title you can read the post.  Which will make this post make more sense.

It prompted a wonderful discussion with a friend.  We talked about my writing about having been abused.   I hope that when I write about being abused/molested everyone understands  it is for a couple of reasons.  One reason is to help me, to process things out.   It happened a very long time ago.  But it happened during very formative years.  Years that set a foundation for who I am today.   And who I am today is always in pursuit of making me a better person for tomorrow.   It’s a never ending process.   But a good one, from my point of view.   I also write freely about it now, because I can.   Many years of my life were spent not talking (writing) about it.  I chose not to.  For whatever reasons.  Now, I can talk, and I can write, about it.   I want to write about it because it happened, and because maybe by writing about it I can help someone else.   Someone who has been hurt, or someone who loves someone who this happened to but they don’t understand.

I can’t speak for anyone else of course.   But in speaking for myself maybe others will recognize something familiar and maybe it will start to make sense.   But then again, maybe no one else feels like I do.   And that’s just as likely.

My friend was prompted to ask me questions.   We had a very honest discussion.   Of course what happened then, does have bearing on who I am now.   Just as many other things during those years.

What happened to me in and of its self was bad.  Sad.  Disturbing.

But it did not make me bad.   Or sad.   Or disturbed.

I think the very worst thing it did in my development, is make me a very good liar.   I say that with some shame.   I don’t like that I lie well.   Please do NOT interpret this that I do lie.   I am just very aware that I can.   I learned that early on.   I never had to use lying  to protect myself.   I didn’t turn in to this rebel of a teenager and need to lie about where I was or what I was doing.   I used it to protect others.   And on reflection, I think that is probably the way I have used lying the most in my life.   Not to protect myself, but to protect someone I care about from feeling bad.  Or, oddly, like when I was a kid and didn’t think someone could handle the truth.   Just call me Jack (Nicholson in case you didn’t get the reference).

My outlook on life tends to be very positive.    I have been blessed to be able to deal with this and live with this and know….it is not who I am.  I have a more difficult time hearing of someone else being abused.  I keep saying, to anyone and everyone….

IT is NOT who you are.   It is something that happened.   Something someone else did.

You…..I , we  get to determine who we are and how we will live.

It sounds really simple.

And though it is a simple concept, it is not a simple process to get to this point.

But my process did get me to this point.   My process includes me talking, letting others ask questions.  If I can start a good discussion I am more than happy to do so.  And I hope that is exactly what happens.

I want others to know they can, will, and deserve to get to this point as well.

I write of this because I am positive  of who I am.   I am positive that I deserve to feel good about who I have chosen to be.  I am positive I am not letting anyone else determine the quality of my life.  I am positive that I did not deserve what happened to me.   I am positive that feeling good is much better than feeling like crap.   I am positive that when you look at me you do not see a victim.  I am positive that I am happy.

I write about this to reinforce to myself and my world that positive is what I want to write about.