This Picture Of Me

In one of these pictures I am 20 pounds lighter.  Which means in one of these pictures I am twenty pounds heavier.

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In one of these pictures I am powerful.  In the other I am full of weakness.

In one of these pictures I am scared to death.  In the other, a little shaky but willing to brave the world.

In one of these pictures I have no self worth.  In the other, I value who I will be.  Who I can be.  What I might yet accomplish.

In one of these pictures I look in the mirror and shudder.  In the other I smile and make a clicking sound with my cheek and say “woooooo hoooooo”!

In one of these pictures I am physically able.  In the other I have a broken back, a broken neck, a broken hip, a separated shoulder and an eight month illness I am battling.

In one of these pictures I am focused.  In the other I am so out of focus.

In one of these pictures I see no future.  In the other I have all the time God is giving me to accomplish my life.

My high school graduation.  Twenty pounds lighter than I am now.  I am scared to death.  I have no future.  I am powerless in life.  I look in the mirror and have no idea who that is, or why I exist.  I have physical strength that I am not even aware of.  I have no value in who I am and don’t see anything I can be.  Life is a blur of fear and unknown and no understanding of motivation or desire.   I had no idea how to protect myself, guard myself, or live in this world.   Nothing is clear to me and my life is out of focus.

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Almost thirty years and three months to the day after my high school graduation.  I am twenty pounds heavier but feel lighter than I ever have.  I have been broken in bones but strengthened, built up and salvaged of spirit, courage and love.  I know where I’ve been.   And it haunts me no more and never again.  And I,  I control where I’m going.   I have fear but know how to gather courage and where my courage comes from.  I don’t have all of the answers but I know how to find them.  Or create my own.  I have been part of created worlds.  I have been a guardian and gardener for those I love.   I have been down but know how to lift myself up. I have so much to do.   So many places to go.  I have yet to tap in to all that I can be.   I am willing to try new things and be new things.

I am part of this world.  I can, now, value how I was.  Because how I was is part of who I became.    I’m still that kid.  Just older.  Experienced.  Learned.  Taught.  Broken and yet miraculously more whole than ever.  What anyone ever sees when they look at me is of no value.  Pictures of me may show one thing but hide one hundred things.  Because what you see is only image.   What I am, truly, is a force within that no one can visualize.

The picture of me is not all of me.  And often not the truth of me.