Never Prepared

My heart ached in a way I was not prepared for today.

I knew her little self was going to the doctor.   I knew she was going to have “surgery”.   I knew we were told it is minor.   I knew I would never trust another human being who was going to stick needles in her, use scalpels on her, or do something she wasn’t capable of understanding.

I knew that no matter what they said to us there was absolutely nothing minor about it.

There’s nothing minor about the unknown, the funny dressed people, needles and tubes and everything medical.

There’s nothing okay about not being able to hold her and comfort her before, during and after.

There’s no comfort now, in knowing it will make her feel better, later.

There’s no gladness in knowing I can’t protect her from everything that will hurt her.   And there’s no acceptance of wisdom that tells me I shouldn’t protect her from everything.

There was no way my heart was prepared to see the look on this little child’s face.   Knowing the anguish her little self was going through.

For all of the parents, grandparents, guardians and protectors of children everywhere – I salute you.

Knowing you would take every moment of pain to give them security, comfort and ease.  I salute you for the power of your love.  The continued beating of your heart when it is pummeling your chest trying to get out.

We are lucky to have such love.  And with such love comes great risk.  Risk of pain, risk of fear, risk of not being able to take the pains for them.

And that is the worst pain of all.

When ever I know someone going in for surgery I ask that God watch over the patient, surround them with angels, but guide the surgeons hands.

She is fine.

16 thoughts on “Never Prepared

  1. Oh, Colleen, I totally agree what you say about love – and the risk of…

    I had never loved anyone in my whole life before my son was born, and when he came about and I loved him – so much risk of so much more feeling came with it.

    I truly hope the little one is okay 🙂 N.


    • Thanks N’n! She is much better.

      I was lamblasted by feelings when these guys came along. And I’m so glad your Daniel came along. Because of him, we get you and he both shared with us! 🙂


  2. As a highly trained, combat hardened USAF Pararescueman the only times I felt truly helpless was when one of my children needed care I could not provide. My training, experience and macho attitude had me putting on the brave face and being the rock for my wife and kids but all the while I was secretly bawling like a baby inside.


    • That hurt my heart to read. Thank you for three things. Being the kind of man who wants to be the rock for his family (I work in protective services and don’t always see this) when you are hurting so badly yourself, thank you for your service to our country and thank you for reading. Oh! Four things, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. As parents there is nothing to comfort us when our child hurts.


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