Where We Are

It seems no matter where we are we are never fully happy with being there.

This past weekend I sat at the instructor’s table to help test some martial arts students.  I, and the other instructors, worked hard for many years to get to where we are.  Sitting at that table and not having to be on the floor testing.  We worked hard to acquire the knowledge we have, and we worked hard to put our bodies through the tests we all have under our belts.

When I was a student on the work floor, or the testing floor, I could not imagine ever sitting at that table.  Sitting there and knowing so much.  Knowing so much I could tell someone else if they actually knew it well enough.  Could not fathom that.  Yet, here I sit, today.  And when I sat there this weekend something occurred to me…

Where I was. Where I would, wanted, to be.

I wished then to be where I am now.  To know so much more than what I knew and to be able to do so much more than what I could do then. But on Saturday I looked at the students and realized…I wish I had what they had.  To be on fire to learn what I didn’t yet know.  To be younger with the potential to get stronger, better, wiser.

Later that same day  I went to a concert.  There was a song that was sung that brought tears to my eyes.  It made me think of my children and the chances I had when they were small, to parent them.  It made me wonder about the moments I had, the moments I wasted, the moments that are safely stored in my heart.  It made me think of the years of being tired.  Of running after little feet that didn’t know the meaning of rest, or stop.  The moments I had as a parent that made me long for the days when they were grown up.  Able to feed themselves.  Able to get in and out of the car on their own, put on their seat belts.  It made me think of the moments that I surely must have had, where I wanted their littleness to be a little big bigger.

And now….I don’t know where all of those moments went.  I see my friends, my children, holding their small children and I wish…

I had my small children in my lap, singing them Amazing Grace and saying their night time prayers.  I wish for the moments of dancing in the kitchen to the tune of Johnny Horton’s historical songs.  I wish for the Sesame Street moments and Mr. Roger’s lessons.  I wish for the baby formula burp smell.  I walked in to my daughter’s home this weekend and found the little man of the house covered in orange.  Along with a good part of the house around him.   It was daughter’s first real experience with little man’s realization that he could spray whatever was in his mouth all over everything.   Yeah…I miss that.  Because I will never have again what she is having right now.

I know I’m happy where I am.   I’m very grateful for where I am and who I have in my life.  I’m grateful for the life and love that I’ve had to this point.  I suppose it’s natural to reflect and miss, and wish and be nostalgic.

I think it takes a very wise person to be able to be in the moment and treasure it in the present.  But I bet there’s some wisdom in looking backwards and forwards, to keep track of where we are.   And where we’re going.  While we love the right now.