It Wasn’t You, This Time

I stared at the page for a full day.

It couldn’t be you.  It couldn’t be you.  It had to be someone else.  But, in reality, it could be you.

If I picked up the phone and called then I admit it.  I face it.  I have to deal with it.  It could be you.  It really could be.

For 24 hours I denied it.  I refused to accept that there was any reasonable possibility it could be you.

This morning my heart was racing.  Then it felt like it stopped.  Dead.  Because as often as I read the meager information to try and decipher something from it that revealed to me it could not in any likelihood or possibility be you ,,,.  all it kept telling me was the same thing:

It. Could.  Be.  You.

I went to my car.  And I called the detective.

Between my words of asking the question …. “is it you”.

And her answer.

Passed a lifetime.

It was a lifetime of loving you.  Praying for you.  Begging for you.

I can not tell you the sobbing in my heart as I waited for her answer.

I can not tell you the fear I heard in her voice having to tell me if it was you.

In that briefest of moments in my life I felt the most intolerable and helpless amount  of pain.

It was not you.

This time.

I can’t write this without crying.

Because I just want to shake you!  I want to scream in to your head and your soul!  I want to reach, reach, reach you in there!  Stop this absolute hell you are living!  You don’t deserve it!  You don’t need it.  You are lovable.  You are worthy.  You are valuable.

You have got to do this.

When the detective said it wasn’t you she said “I’m sorry”.  And I said “no no, no”.   Then she apologized again.  Realizing that I was relieved it wasn’t you.

Because when she said it wasn’t you I had a very small spark light up the very darkest moment of my life.

With her reply I found one thing.

I found hope.

As long as you breathe, there is hope.

As long as you walk among us, there is hope.

As long as you are here, there is hope.

I refuse to believe otherwise.

I refuse.

You, on the other hand, had better start believing.

You, on the other hand, have got to start some where.   You need to stop tormenting your body.   Let it heal.  Let it be clean.

Then start with your heart.   Let it feel.  As much as it hurts.  Let it feel.  Let it be angry.  Let it blame.   Let it hold the world at fault.

When you get through that, and it will drain you and turn your insides raw….

You can start to heal.

You can heal.

You can live.

You can love.

You are worthy.