Excuse Me No More

Oh how our perceptions change.

I used to be fat so I couldn’t possibly do the things I wanted to do.    Things like run.   Play.   Frolic in the snow.  Roller skate.  Play softball.

I used to think of myself as less than everyone else.  I was a victim of my own beliefs.  Bad things happened and it took me a long time to realize that I was the one that controlled how I allowed those bad things to affect/effect/control/not control me.   But for a long time it stood straight in front of me, in my path, as an excuse.

I was a wife with duties that came before whatever it was I needed.

I was a mom with kids.  So I couldn’t do things for me.

I was a working mom/wife and all things were important.   More important than what I needed.

I was young.

I was not broken.   But I used every excuse I could to live like I was.  And when I lived by the excuse, I also sacrificed being better to those who deserved better from me.

Now, I can’t think of a single reason why I can’t do whatever it is I want to do.

Broken hip?  Who says I can’t climb a mountain?  Not me!  So I did.  (Maybe climbing is not a fair description.   No, wait, at times I was on my hands and knees climbing.  And it is a mountain.)

Titanium plate in my neck?  Who says I can’t test for a black belt?  Not me!  So I did.

Two knee surgeries  and loss of ligament control in one foot?  Who says I can’t start running?  Not me!  So I did.   (Please remember “running” is relative to not running.)

Two metal rods in my back?  Who says I can’t ride my bike for hundreds of miles at a time?  Not me!  So I didn’t stop.

I nearly failed geometry and can’t figure the diameter of anything?  Who says I can’t build a table?  Not me!  So I did.  I just build them square.

I don’t have a clue about writing laws and punctuation policing?  Who says I can’t write a blog?  Not me!   So I do.   🙂

I am looking at an upcoming number in my life that I don’t feel like I have earned yet.  A year to mark the number of years I have been here does not feel like the number of years I have lived.   I feel like I spent so many years not living because I made up, and used, every excuse I could – to control my life.  Keep it safe.  And stay hidden.    To exist, without taking the trouble to be.

It’s not as if I suddenly turned in to a world class athlete.   I’m not necessarily skilled at any of the things that I attempt.   The joy is in trying, doing, getting better than I was when I started and knowing that I can get even better if I keep going.  I remember the first time I finished three miles on a bicycle.   Three entire miles. 

And years later when I finished running three miles under 30 minutes after years of being told I could not run because my knees would be shattered.

Pfft.

I have no delusions about my skill levels.  The level of skill is not what matters.

It’s finding the desires.  The fires within.  And stoking them.

But I also have no delusion about my abilities.

I can do.  If I want to do.  It doesn’t matter how good I am compared to someone else.  It matters that if I want to do something I can try it.  Do it.  Enjoy it?  Keep doing it and get better.

I discovered when I stopped making excuses that I had something that I had used as a weapon against myself when all along I could have been using it as a tool to improve my life.  Discipline.  Self discipline.   I was disciplined in doing everything I was supposed to be doing in roles for others.  And disciplined in keeping my self where I was.

And in becoming a better me I think I became a better person for those who deserved better from me.

I got a perception wake up call.

Today it happened again.  I was watching a motivational video about some folks doing something.   All different kinds of people doing all different skill levels of an activity.  The skill level wasn’t the motivation.  In observation the motivation was apparent:  that they were all putting their energies in to doing something they wanted to be doing.

I could see the many different reasons in hundreds of faces of why they were all doing the same thing.

But there wasn’t one excuse standing in the way of any of them doing.

Being.

Amazing…..when I told myself I couldn’t or shouldn’t  do something I created excuses.  When the world, the circumstances, and the events outside of my control started trying to tell me I couldn’t do something…  I was determined to find no excuse available and every reason why I most certainly could.

I could do what ever it is I wanted.

My perception changed from making excuses to finding, creating, and being a good enough reason to be.

Not Any Where Close To Fifty

Not Any Where Close To Fifty

And some day I hope to fill up all of those missed years with an over abundance of being now.

Because I have no excuses left.

And I’m not looking for any.

41 thoughts on “Excuse Me No More

  1. Awww…. What a cute Queen-to-Be! A black-belt-to-be! A biker-to-be! A Christmas-Tree-Maker-to-Be! Should I mention Stoopidity? Nah…

    And yes… It is YOU. You are the one that needs to set aside excuses and DO…and you HAVE! Congratulations!!

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    • I see where I am now and kind of shudder at the excuses I wasted my valuable life time on.

      I’m glad I got rid of the excuses. But sometimes they have a funny way of rearing their heads back up and they need to be shouted back down. I think this post was me shouting again. 🙂

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  2. Once again, another excellent post! Makes me want to put down my broken computer and do something liberating! Maybe tomorrow, been on hold with the computer people too long to hang up now! Thank you for the inspiring post!

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  3. Seriously, you should consider it. After I read your post, I put down my ice cream (so wish I was joking….) got off the couch, and dragged myself up onto my elliptical. I was planning on skipping today on account of the fact that I was cold, but then I realized that was stupid, and an excuse. So, thank you. For your awesomeness.

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    • Well. Geez. Now I’m getting embarrassed. 🙂 Just kidding! I love that you found motivation (here or else where). TRUTH CLAUSE: I have moments where I find reasons to rest and relax. And that’s okay. The difference is, now I need to allow myself these reasons. Where before it WAS an excuse every day all day!

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  4. You need a number to signify something important… 1…you are #1, so do 1 thing once a day that says” I am #1!!!!
    And what a cute picture!… Is that really you?

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  5. I truly love your uninhibited enthusiasm for life…you inspire me so very, very much. Just to let you know, I painted the other day, painted over what I painted and then painted over that too…however, I will revisit the canvas as soon as I have a spare moment to spill out some more of my creativity. Fifty is looking me square in the eyes also, we both have lots of time to accomplish everything we need to do! Thank you Colleen.

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    • I can’t wait to hear more about the painting! And see it if you are inclined to share. I think the uninhibited enthusiasm was built up and stored over a period of years. And I do look forward to using it up along the way. And rebuilding more stockpiles of it as I go. Funny, how we see inspiration. Look in the mirror Lori, its right there. 🙂 I see it in your words.

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  6. This is brilliant, Colleen, just so inspiring. Say, don’t you want a few of my excuses? I’m looking to dispose of them after reading this, but they are so convincing…

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  7. Oh Wow!!! This is so great! I have been giving everyone else my all for so many years but am slowly making the steps to start living “my” life but still incorporating everyone else too. It’s definitely baby steps over here but this inspires me to make bigger strides!

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    • YOU CAN DO IT! After the knee is replaced you will be able to do more than you have been! WOOT!!!!! Be careful. Take care. And start the process by dreaming about what you want to do. Keep me posted on how you are doing. (That seemed bossy of me! I mean if you don’t mind keeping me posted.) 🙂

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  8. You’r amazing … there is so many people out there that just roll over and say I can’t do that – but it’s all in our attitude and if we want to be a victim or not. Far too many of us – walk around our whole life and blaming everything on anyone else and life.
    I haven’t been a very adventures person in that respect – not a very “darry” (new word!!!) person. But 5 weeks after my treatments was done did I start to travel again, because I wanted to show others that I wasn’t a victim (and alive) and I packed high heels shoes (the aunt Thea genes) off I went to Ireland and Scotland.It felt great
    Woman you are a bit like that woman in the movie – can recall the title, with the body full of metal repairs.

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    • Well for years I did just ‘roll over’ and make excuses. For WAY too many years.

      I like your word “darry”. I don’t know how darry I want to be. But adventurous and trying anything that seems like something I might like. My “big” thing now is I am enjoying finding out what I can “make”. I don’t know why. But I am amazed by people who take “things” and make wonderful items (we used old wood lying about and made a craft table). One blogger on here takes what others perceive as trash and makes fabulous and gorgeous Christmas decorations and wrapping.

      I see you as VERY adventurous. It’s one of the things I admire about you. Even your walks to the store or the hospital have been full of wonderful things to see and do.

      I enjoy your travels and your FOOD!!!!!

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      • Thanks for your kind words … but my looking for beauty .. is something maybe my job has given me .. looking for new ideas and it’s also a way to kill time. Instead of sitting and waiting .. walk around and spend the waiting with the little camera.
        Very adventurous I wouldn’t call myself – but I want to try new things, places .. if they are organized safe enough.
        Love the corner I have you in *smile

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        • Ah Viveka maybe YOU took looking for beauty to your job. The fact that you still do it and enjoy it and are so good at sharing it says something about you. Anyone can point a camera and take a picture. You, YOU present the world to us. And it looks wonderful.

          I like your corner as well. Very much actually. 🙂 Maybe some day I will get to bring my blogging belt and check it out! 🙂 🙂 🙂

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          • Bring your belt and you’re welcome any day … my world isn’t always beautiful, but the ugly and less fun – I don’t want to bring to my world here – there is tears, pain, sorrow and hurt enough here too.
            My blog I think is an escape – hide away – but there isn’t much ugliness in my world to share neither and I don’t go and look for it.

            I saw a film last night, true story, about human trafficking in Cambodia; the film didn’t show any ugliness as such – but the viewer understood what was going on – terrible, one man wanted 5-7 year old year’s girls. They should be castrated when caught. Thinking of doing a blog about the movie – it was very good and that is the biggest money making industry just now – human trafficking. That is ugly. So maybe my world will be ugly too. *smile

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            • Sadly the ugly is there. But we can’t ignore it. Shut our eyes to it. It’s a thunderstruck moment when we realize little children like that likely do NOT see or even recognize beauty. I hope you write about it.

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              • Colleen, I will work on a post about it today .. and see what I can dig up about the subject – it’s something that an issue that really make me sick. Need some ground work before I post … first – digging for figures and facts. Not too heavy – because then I’m not able to finishing it. Thanks for your support.

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