I get disgusted with me when I act like me sometimes.
In all of my efforts to watch my manners, be aware of my words and actions I still act in the very way I am consciously trying not to!
No excuses. I just do it.
Last night we went to an Irish themed “Pub”. Live music by local musicians who just show up to play with whoever else shows up. I love the music. I love the old world feel to this. I love the community feel to this. We sat relatively close to the music. The pub filled up to not quite full. Busy. In my line of vision, not ten feet from me, sat a man. Who at first glance caught my eye because he reminded me of my older brother. On second glance, and because he was directly in my line of vision and I couldn’t help but see him, I realized he was a local news anchor.
Okay. It was kind of fun to see a “celebrity”. Yes I shared the news of him because I wasn’t really sure it was him. But yes, it turned out to be News Anchor Man. We didn’t say anything to him. He was there with a group and, well, they didn’t interrupt us either. There was no point.
We were having a fabulous time.
I went to the bathroom. On my way there I entered a small hallway and a man was just coming out of the men’s room. We passed shoulder to shoulder and I looked at him, it was News Anchor Man, to say hello with a smile. I do that with anyone I pass. He turned his head up, to the right, lifting his chin.
Wow. That seemed mean.
Later I said something to one of the women with me. Something about I was put off by that. (Don’t ask why, it would take forever of explaining my life and my lack of self whatever.) This kind woman said so easily “maybe he had something on his mind”. It was that simple. And it probably is that simple. Maybe he is more comfortable behind a camera, a desk, a table, than face to face. Maybe strangers make him uncomfortable. Maybe he saw a bat hanging up there and it surprised him. Maybe it had nothing to do with me. Maybe it had nothing to do with him. Maybe it was absolutely nothing.
But those few seconds of me thinking it was rude of him, or unkind, or whatever word it is I thought he was being…..seems like such a waste of energy.
Ugh. This self awareness stuff is sure making me aware of my own arrogance.
I point this out because it seems so easy to point a finger at someone else’s negativity. It’s so easy to see something that someone else says or does that seems mean or judgmental. When in reality, it is something that happens daily, with my own words, my own actions, my own intent.
I suppose it makes me happy, in some odd way of self discovery, to point out to myself that I am capable of these things as anyone else. And since I don’t want to be a hypocrite I have to change these little things that keep happening in my head, with my words, and with my actions.