I’m A Hypocrite

I get disgusted with me when I act like me sometimes.

In all of my efforts to watch my manners, be aware of my words and actions I still act in the very way I am consciously trying not to!

No excuses.  I just do it.

Last night we went to an Irish themed “Pub”.   Live music by local musicians who just show up to play with whoever else shows up.  I love the music.  I love the old world feel to this.  I love the community feel to this.   We sat relatively close to the music.  The pub filled up to not quite full.  Busy.  In my line of vision, not ten feet from me, sat a man.  Who at first glance caught my eye because he reminded me of my older brother.  On second glance, and because he was directly in my line of vision and I couldn’t help but see him, I realized he was a local news anchor.

Okay.  It was kind of fun to see a “celebrity”.   Yes I shared the news of him because I wasn’t really sure it was him.  But yes, it turned out to be News Anchor Man.   We didn’t say anything to him.   He was there with a group and, well, they didn’t interrupt us either.   There was no point.

We were having a fabulous time.

I went to the bathroom.  On my way there I entered a small hallway and a man was just coming out of the men’s room.  We passed shoulder to shoulder and I looked at him, it was News Anchor Man, to say hello with a smile.  I do that with anyone I pass.   He turned his head up, to the right, lifting his chin.

Wow.  That seemed mean.

Later I said something to one of the women with me.  Something about I was put off by that.   (Don’t ask why, it would take forever of explaining my life and my lack of self whatever.)   This kind woman said so easily “maybe he had something on his mind”.  It was that simple.  And it probably is that simple.   Maybe he is more comfortable behind a camera, a desk, a table, than face to face.  Maybe strangers make him uncomfortable.  Maybe he saw a bat hanging up there and it surprised him.  Maybe it had nothing to do with me.  Maybe it had nothing to do with him.  Maybe it was absolutely nothing.

But those few seconds of me thinking it was rude of him, or unkind, or whatever word it is I thought he was being…..seems like such a waste of energy.

Ugh.  This self awareness stuff is sure making me aware of my own arrogance.

I point this out because it seems so easy to point a finger at someone else’s negativity.   It’s so easy to see something that someone else says or does that seems mean or judgmental.   When in reality, it is something that happens daily, with my own words, my own actions, my own intent.

I suppose it makes me happy, in some odd way of self discovery, to point out to myself that I am capable of these things as anyone else.  And since I don’t want to be a hypocrite I have to change these little things that keep happening in my head, with my words, and with my actions.

34 thoughts on “I’m A Hypocrite

  1. Excellently expressed once again. There is great contemplation in your words – and contemplation that arises in one from reading those words. Do we, by being human, possess some level of naturally occurring arrogance?

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    • I think YOU just asked that very eloquently. And I wonder, do we? I’ve seen some folks who truly would not know how to act arrogant. Yet they seem confident, sure, and there is not an ounce of arrogance leaking from them. So I don’t know. Great question.

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  2. Colleen, you relax …. I think he was just a arrogant prick !!!! And he are not worth your … thought and feeling about the whole thing. If somebody say hello to you – you say hello back, even if you’re not interested. Doesn’t’ matter who you’re – for get him and look at news on an other channel. He are not worth your attention.

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    • Viveka I was reading your comment from my phone while sitting in a restaurant and burst out laughing. 🙂

      Actually I do watch another channel. I do like his tv personna. He really could have been nervous about ME! I forgot about what Husband says in his comment. Our tables were very close. At one point my nephew, sitting next to me and 7 years old, was acting goofy and his mom whispers to me to scare him by turning and yelling quickly. Which I did. Husband told me News Anchor guy nearly had a heart attack. He probably thought I was a loon! Hahahahahaha! I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT!

      But thanks for having my back, you did make me feel better. 🙂

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  3. Your title caught my attention because I was recently doing a study on holiness. In my endless search of meaning, one of the words I came up with is ‘hypocrisy.’ To sum up briefly, this particular avenue spoke of ‘sanctified affections’ .. which means actions that are set apart and showing emotions that don’t seem natural .. hypocrisy was somehow linked to this. Anyway, what I got out of this is the struggle you describe is exactly what it takes to walk in holiness. We know we aught to walk in a certain way and yet, internally, we struggle and wrestle with that. So those of us who choose to walk that path of holiness put on the garment of holiness and choose to wrestle with those hypocritical thoughts, actions, etc. It’s all part of Christ’s process to perfect us. Thank you for being transparent and sharing your own wrestling match. Have a blessed day!

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    • DionneMast-thank you so much for this. I don’t know if I have quite mastered putting on the garment of holiness. Maybe I have. My blog is truly about “every day” and the living of it. So in doing this I am in one post aware of what has happened on the outside of me to affect me, and then I try to be very honest in reflection to see if I am in any way, affecting others (negatively or positively). It is a process (I like that word). And it is definitely, and often, a wrestling match. I get angry about something silly, then I am disappointed in myself for letting ‘anger’ have that kind of control. Or I get upset about something that seems minor, and wonder why I let something that isn’t going to matter next week become a burden to me today. Thank you for the feedback because it does feel very important to me to take on this struggle. I want to be aware, and I want to encourage myself to grow, change, and become better. 🙂

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      • I heard a sermon that spoke of ‘being lovely’ for Christ .. that’s how I look at holiness. I have a feeling that He is far less critical on us then we are on ourselves, however, scripturally, it the response to the desire to be pleasing to Him that tagged the great men and women of God as chosen .. at least that’s how I see it. 🙂

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  4. Viveka has a point. If he missed out on speaking to you, he is the one who lost out. That is not arrogance on your part. It is a matter of being polite. Do not hold it against him though. I am sure the mother wolf of his pack was busy with all the other pups on the day she was teaching public manners. 😉

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    • ❤ Thank you Red. And as Husband pointed out to me, I may have given him reason to be a little leery of me. 😉 But politeness does have a very valuable place in our public world, so thank you. And if he WAS leery of me you would think he may want to smile and nod and move fast. 🙂

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  5. I love the way you force me to re-evaluate myself and my own actions. As for you, your habit of smiling and saying hello to anyone makes me think you shouldn’t be too concerned about your behavior…I think you’re doing just fine. 🙂

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    • Awww….shoot! You guys are being WAY too nice to me! 🙂 But I will gladly accept it! Someone once told me if someone thinks I’m nice don’t try to change their mind. So maybe I should hush right now… 🙂

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  6. It’s tough being an imperfect human being, isn’t it? 🙂
    A wise person once told me that when you point a finger at someone else, to be sure to look at the other fingers, all of which are pointing back at you. It seems to me you do that, with great awareness. I suppose the key to this sort of event is not to take anything personally. That’s not always easy. (At least not for me!)

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    • It is tough! 🙂

      I’ve heard the saying about the finger pointing. I think that’s why I’m trying to do at this point (no pun intended) in my life. I had a quote at work for months saying if I stop worrying about others and what they are doing it leaves more time for me to work on being better.

      I think the hardest time to process this theory is when something does feel personal. But it’s still worth trying out that process.

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  7. The road to self-awareness is a bumpy one to say the least. I would’ve reacted the same way as you, Colleen. I tend to get very hurt or defensive if kindness isn’t reciprocated.

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    • I like how you say that, “if kindess isn’t reciprocated”. It’s that simple. Really. But my friend was right, which helps me deal with that, I really don’t know what was in his head. Or what his experiences are. Bump bump. 🙂

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  8. Stranger danger! Haha! Who is that horrible mother that wanted to scare her own child! What a shame! And the woman who made YOU rethink you with a simple little sentence…sounds like a master who has been practicing this ploy on others for YEARS. It sounds like some very fun loving wonderful people you spent a fantastic evening with =)

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  9. Colleen — go with you gut…Mr. Television thought he was TOO important to say hello. I agree with the person who told you to CHANGE the channel. People are who they are when they are out in the real world. Harry and I ran into a celebrity while in Florida and when on national television they make you believe they are your best friend; however, in real life she could have cared less about the public. In fact, she avoided people at all costs. If you can’t or don’t want to deal with people then don’t go out in public, or better yet…read Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends and Influence People! Another great post my friend!

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    • I know these things. You know what? When I first saw him I really did think he looked like my brother, and would have probably at some point in the night asked him to take a picture with me to show my family (who would have TOTALLY disagreed with me). But when I realized who he was and after the hallway moment I didn’t even think about that anymore. Oh well. On the FLIP side of this he may think for the rest of his life “who WAS that woman?”

      🙂

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      • I agree with you — he is probably saying to himself “I think I just saw the woman who writes that great blog! I should have stopped, gotten her contact information so I could have her on the show. What a dumb person I am for not being friendlier ~ I really dropped the ball!” He missed out and his life is lesser because of it. 😉 Thanks for your messages…you always make me smile! XO

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  10. Hmmmm…I can’t say that I would have acted any differently. But it’s interesting you brought it to the light that you did because I honestly never would have thought otherwise. I’m sure I would have just gone on thinking that they didn’t like me. Granted the news man isn’t a close personal friend but I know I have thought this way many times about people who I do have daily interactions with and have just chalked it up that they were being mean or didn’t like me….I need to reevaluate! Thank you!

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    • You’re welcome. It is a good tool (if I remember to use it) that I really don’t know where that person is at that moment. It helps get my mind off of thinking it was something about me. I mean, what a wake up call when I realized THAT! 😉 That it’s not all about me.

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    • I love your support Yaz. But I never got the “hello” out of my mouth. When I started to smile at him and open my mouth (literally) he turned his head. Sigh. However, after writing this everyone has made ME feel okay about it all. Thank goodness for blogger support. Wait, that means the initials are BS. Maybe I should call it something else. 😉 But for the truth of it all, I appreciate everyone’s feedback.

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