Bad Mom

Some mom moments weigh heavy on my heart.

Quite honestly I had moments where I just failed miserably as a parent.

I could give a litany of moments that have an eternal asterisk next to them giving permanent markings of ‘hey look at this one she did’.

Sigh.

One  heavy moment……

My youngest daughter was driving one of our vehicles.   I had worked all day and had to teach that evening.  I had gotten to our training hall and was preparing the room and myself for an hour and a half work out and instruction.  I get a call from youngest daughter.   She had locked herself out of the car at the store.  I tried to come up with any other possibility than me having to go get keys and take them to her.  Nothing.   I slammed myself out of the training hall and in to the car so husband could take me to take her the keys to get in the car.

For some reason or other I ended up having to drive my car and my daughter back to the training hall.  The entire way I went on and on and on about how frustrating this was.  How busy I was.  How tired I was.  How angry I was.  I was babbling non stop.

Then I realized she was crying.

I was so worked up I couldn’t even lower the tone of my voice.  But I did change what I was saying.  I told her I wasn’t angry at her.  I told her we all do this and reminded her I had done it twice myself.   Recently.  I told her I was yelling out of frustration not at her, just …. because.  I told her and told her.

And she cried.

I told her I was sorry.

I told her it was okay.

But it wasn’t.

I showed her my impatience, I showed her my selfishness, I showed her intolerance.  

How many times after that did anything happen to her that she didn’t call me because of my reaction?

How many times did she not try to discuss something with me because of my reaction?

How many times did I take a moment that didn’t really matter because it was no big deal-and turn it in to a bad memory?

I can’t undo things I’ve done.   And lessons I’ve learned too late don’t go retro-active.

I regret many bad mom moments.  I don’t want to forget them because I earned the lasting memory of them.  And I don’t want my children to ever think I could dismiss what I did as unimportant.  

I’m sure I have good mom moments as well.   And I cherish them.

But sometimes I find myself going back and sitting in that car watching myself, realizing my child was crying because of my thoughtlessness, and I am embarrassed and sad. 

Some mom moments weigh heavy on my heart.

I am truly blessed.   Though my failings are there-they  are lightened and lifted because my children love me despite my faults.   

Bad mom.  Good mom.  Funny mom.  Angry mom.  Stupid mom.  Protective mom.  Praying mom.  Singing mom.  Laughing mom.  Ridiculous mom.   Tired mom.  Cranky mom.  Cooking mom.  Laundry mom.  Dusting mom.  Biking mom.  Driving to school mom.  Sorry mom.  Trying mom.  Failing mom.  Don’t Mess With My Kid Mom.  

All of these things.

And I was always their loving mom.