Step Away

May 19, 2011 I wrote this:

Black Belt Path To Life

Today I drew this.

Walk Away From Doing

I have battled this for a very long time.

I battle it still.

How do you walk away from the doing of something that changed your life?

Even at my best I was never the best.

And that was okay.

I was better than when I started.

And still am.

Now I am not at my physical best.

Things have broken.

Things have been repaired.

But things cannot be restored.

With the loss of one

Comes the loss of passion.

I’ve lost passion knowing I can no longer be better.

I honor, cherish, respect and depend on what I have learned and acquired.

I’ve taken the first step away.

By giving myself permission-

To walk away.

If that is what I need to do.

Holding on seems to be painful.

The thought of letting go is painful.

It’s not a matter of which hurts more.

It’s a matter of which pain I choose to deal with.

Life moves on.

127 thoughts on “Step Away

    • I’m sad in the thinking of it all. But fortunately I have so much going on that I have the ability to do other things. But this is a big thing I am contemplating. Thank you for the hugs and concern.

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  1. Wow, this mimics exactly how I’ve been feeling about something recently. You’re right – it’s a matter of which pain you’re more willing to deal with. But, are we ever really ready to deal with either of them? That’s the other hard part…deciding when.

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  2. That’s very interesting, what you said. It has me frowning, and I think to say…why the binary choice? Sometimes what is gained by the practice of some things, is in the mind, the body having to be told to be entirely still, to obey the commands of the mind and the will and then the putting aside of the will. I am not really arguing for one point of view nor the other. I just know that there are often more than one or another, should we choose only to let go of what we can imagine are the current choices. I also just said to myself to remember to say to you to remember that there is even another option like not deciding for now.

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    • Elisa you are like a mirror to me right now. I have told others the same thing, why does it have to be decided now? This has been battling in my head for a very long time. I need to clear it out of my head. I’m full of happy for the things I am doing and anticipate doing….it’s still hard to let something else go. Thank you, for feedback to make me think.

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  3. Colleen, I completely get it, and you are making the most important step you will ever make, and that’s the 1st one. I am not saying the 2nd step will be that much easier, but it is impossible without the 1st. Our bodies give us signs, sometimes these signs slap us in the face,other times more subtle, but we need to adjust to the new path our body needs to travel. Please take care, I am here for you, because I have taken that 1st step. Bill

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    • Bill, I was thinking about you when I wrote this. Reflecting on our “conversation” earlier. I guess I wanted or expected clearer signs. Or comfort in the idea that I can change this path. But there’s nothing easy about it. And I know you understand it. Thank you.

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  4. Sometimes stepping away from something will show us how much we really need it in our lives. If it isn’t missed maybe it isn’t as important as we thought. If it becomes a hole inside of us then we realize it has necessary part of us.
    Love you colleen. Just like when you try something new there is an adjustment period to giving up something we have done for a while.

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  5. Aww, you inspired me to start tkd. But, I totally understand what you are saying. It’s painful, a lot of things break (and I’m not talking about boards) especially after “a certain age” and after doing it for so long. It may be time to move on to other endeavors. But, if you find you miss it too much, you can always go back. (and maybe take it a little easier)

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    • I’m thrilled if I was in any way responsible for inspiring someone else to reap the benefits of this hard work. In all fairness to me and my age πŸ˜‰ it isn’t age related. The injuries have been piling up since I was much younger. Some of the injuries are affecting my ability to improve and even maintain. And you are VERY correct, I can always return to it. And would if I realized I needed it more than I needed to bow out. πŸ™‚ And you never comment on how well you are doing……I wouldn’t mind hearing about that. I still plan on being involved with the instructor of the school in testings and being a sounding board for him.

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      • You totally inspired me! If it weren’t for you I’d probably be sitting on my sofa watching tv those 3 nights a week. I’m testing for Brown 1 at the beginning of December. Sometimes the bod feels better after class and sometimes it feels worse. (Crossing my fingers that everything holds up for another year and a half!) πŸ™‚ But, it always gives me something to work toward and look forward to. Because of your inspiration my mind, body and spirit have been improved. So Thank YOU!!

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  6. Sorry you’re going through this. As for me personally, I needed to read this. Have a very similar situation in my life now that started 3 days ago and has caused fitful sleep and mental cogitation in daytime. Each day removed from the start gets a little better. I think I understand the loss. We’ll both continue along our journeys in this gift of life and right now I’m grateful to have read this from you and to be able to comment back. Sending hugs.

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    • I can step away and return. The stepping away is actually me giving myself permission to “not” make myself do TKD on a regular and on going basis. I no longer teach, other than on the very rare occasion to help fill in. And my heart is not in the doing of it, because the body can’t “get” better at it. It is having difficulty maintaining. I can “do” it. But there’s that part that says…..why? It’s not fun. My passion has dulled to an ember-esque flameless warmth. And I miss so much of what it used to be in my life….and I can’t return to that. Thanks for asking…the more I write it out, the better it is for this process.

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  7. Wow. I had no idea. I know how much TKD changed your life, strengthened you, gave you something to aspire to, and something to cling to when there was little else. For all TKD has given you, you have given back-to all those you taught, all those you inspired, all those you amazed. You are an accomplished black belt, what is it…4th degree? 5th? It is part of you whether you continuing the grueling workouts and competitions or not. And isn’t there much more to it than that anyway? Regardless…I’d choose you to defend me physically or verbally any day!

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    • πŸ™‚ Thank you. There is much more to it, you are correct, than the physical workouts. It is everything that it has ever done for me. It is every tool I ever improved upon or created because of it. It is much much more than the physical. But, maybe a little prideful, no, much pride to be very honest, in the fact that I did get better physically and learned so much and was able to do so much more physically. It did give me physical power. And for that I was very grateful. And I guess maybe there’s that part of me that thinks I’ll lose that claim. But thank you, for all of the faith in me. ANd recognizing how much it means to me. ❀

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  8. Colleen you are truly amazing always and in all ways. You have inspired and helped so many others I don’t know what else to say except I love you dearly and could not ask for more.. your heart will show you the way!!!

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  9. Wow, Colleen, big move. It will be strange without it, for sure. But like you say, life moves on.

    I just love the picture though!

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  10. That is a powerfully moving and impactful, drawing. Thank you for this post. Your willingness to be vulnerable shows your strength. When my passion for something is waning and I can’t get it back, and my body says it’s time to move on, I found greater joy when I had the strength and courage to let go of what I had so I could embrace new experiences. It sometimes took a while, but I always eventually found greater joy than what I had before I’d let go.

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    • Thank you Russ Towne. To be very honest with you, I drew it, looked at it, and cried. It was getting more and more difficult to continue “doing it” all the while telling myself and others….’well, I can’t do ‘that’ any more’. It is still in the moving on process, but I do believe you that there is more joy out there for me. In another arena. Whatever it may be. I so appreciate your feedback.

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        • OH that brake……that was painful! πŸ˜‚

          I had ridden my bike before work for 20 years. We had a real bike set up in my office (the bike room). We had built a desk so I could pedal and write. We went to Ireland in 2019. Messed up my knee doing some climbing. When we returned, I literally looked at the bike, turned around and walked out. I didn’t want to. First time it ever happened to me. I have had some bike rides since. But nothing like I used to. I did set up my bike in the cabin, never rode it, so took it back out. I look at pictures of me when I was so active and very much miss that part of me.

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