Between The “I Do’s”

I see no failure in having loved well.   In having worked in a relationship.  In having had a wonderful experience.

And then it changes.

I see no failure in  loving.

And then not loving.

I see failure in turning something that was once wonderful into something that is hateful and fraught with revenge.

I see failure in hate.  Jealous and envious actions.

If it has lived it’s life, finished it’s course, let it go with dignity.

I do admire determination and willingness to work together to make something you value – grow and become more.  I’ve witnessed others who have grown apart, stop, re-evaluate and realize they want to grow more together.  And they make it happen.  It makes my heart happy.

And oh how I admire those who can’t make a relationship work, but continue to show respect and support to one another.  People who exhibit class, character and even love, in the letting go process.   People who redefine their relationship so that they can remain in one another’s lives-separate but together.  For their own sake, for the sake of children, for the sake of civility.

Sometimes hard work is not enough.  Sometimes a person has no more to give, is drained, and has no way to replenish.  There’s no shame in taking care of yourself.

I see success in moving on.   Loving what was.  Cherishing what was.  Being grateful for what was.

I admire marriages and relationships that last forever.  It is an amazing gift to be with someone for a very long time and there always be support, comfort, shared joys, shared sorrows, shared experiences, appreciation, and mutual respect.  This is an incredible journey where two people commit to loving, learning, growing and being a part of one another’s life.  This kind of life seems to be a benefit to us all.  Many was the occasion I have walked out of the home of a seventy year long happy marriage….and wished for that kind of life.  Ideal.  Ideal.  Ideal.

Sometimes, as difficult as it is, this does not happen.

I am saddened when I see unhappy people who stay together forever because it is dictated they should.  Yet neither is happy, neither is fully capable of being who they could be, because they can’t let go of something that is hurtful and unfullfilling.   Some are willing to suffer the marriage instead of endure a divorce.

I am just as saddened when I see two people who love each other but do not have the skills needed to work beyond their problems.

Maybe I’m too biased because I have gone through divorce.  Maybe I’m just giving myself excuses or reasons for it to be okay.   Or maybe there’s truth in our humanity, that we are going to err.  We will err in choices, decisions, and actions.  Recognizing our truths and taking action to correct or change them, does not make us failures.  It makes us …. continually grow and learn.

I couldn’t make something work.  Maybe I failed.  Maybe I grew.  Maybe I changed.

But I’ve witnessed just as much suffering in marriage, as I have in divorce.  Sometimes….more.

Ideally, I believe in marriage.

I did the first time I said “I do”.

And I did the last time I said “I do”.

Between those “I do’s”  I erred.  I accomplished.  I failed.  I was sad.  I was happy.  I laughed.  I cried.  I cussed.  I sang.  I questioned my values and my decisions.  I made mistakes.  And I made the best decisions I could, for me, whether others understood them or not.   For some of those decisions I am sorry.  For some of those decisions I am very grateful.

But always I did the best I could at the moments when I had to do.

I am grateful for the love I’ve had.  It ending – does not take away the value of when it was.

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Random Love Considerations