I had an experience the other day that was kind of shocking, sort of unsettling. I didn’t know how to handle it. And it pretty much shook me up.
And it only involved words. There was action in sending me the words. But the words themselves, for some reason, unsettled me.
I have been thinking about it ever since. At first I was just stunned. And responded, I think, with the surprise and shock that I felt. I didn’t lash out. I responded, with my confusion, trying to clarify. And again the response was unkind. Since then I have run a marathon of emotions. From the initial shock, to the inevitable anger. And everything in between.
My vivid imagination created all kinds of scenarios where I speak my piece. Where I get angry. Where I get confrontational.
Then…in all of the processing and dramatic scenarios I created where I defended myself and tried to clear the air….
I felt something different.
I felt a calming.
I felt a sympathy.
A ‘drop my head’ in sadness kind of moment.
Were the words sent to me in anger? Probably. Though I’m still confused by them. And don’t know the true intent or reason. But, could they have been sent out of pain, frustration, fear, and confusion on their part? Was I an easy target that didn’t matter. I can’t say for certainty why the words were sent to me. I know how they affected me. I know my history and that I would normally let them germinate and ferment.
And suddenly I realized I didn’t want that.
I wanted to let it go. And that is not easy for me. My husband will quickly attest to the fact that I like to beat things to death with my words, bury it, and then dig it back up and beat it some more. Just in case. I always want to make sure I fully understand, I fully dissect cause and reason and outcome.
This time, I just want peace.
I know not everyone prays. I happen to be a pray-er. If I wasn’t a pray-er I would be a meditate-er. Or a walk-it-off-er.
For the first time, I think, in my entire life…. I made a conscious decision to think kindly. Speak kindly. And hope for peace. For someone who intentionally hurt me.
I don’t know why the words were sent. And I may never. But what I prayed for? Was that the word sender found peace in their heart. Calmness in their heart. And healing for their pain.
And when I thought kindly, when I began to speak kindly…
I felt…like it was the right thing to do.
I almost feel superhuman. Truthfully, that will likely fade in and out. I’m almost positive I may again reflect and feel anger. But what I hope to do if that happens, is believe that someone else’s pain and healing is more important than my anger.