I’m Scared Of…..

I wish I had a brilliant way of leading in to this.  I don’t.  It is eating me alive.  What I want to say.  And I know of no other way than to just say it.

I’m saying this with a bit of shame.   A bit of anger.  A huge portion of confusion.

I’m breathing deep.

And I’m just going to say it.

I’m scared.  Of you.

I’m saying it out loud.  I’m putting it right here.  Because I don’t know what to do with it.  And I’m sure you will not understand it.  At all.

I’m scared of your entitlement.

I’m scared of your choosing to abandon us.

I’m scared of what you expect from ‘us’ or from anyone.

I’m scared of your unpredictability.

I’m scared of letting you down.

I’m scared because I don’t know you.

I’m scared because I don’t know how to help you.

I’m scared that by helping you I am hurting you.

I’m scared of doing nothing.

I’m scared of letting you down.

I’m scared you hate me.

I’m scared of my love for you.

I’m scared of my anger at you.

I’m scared to believe in hope, though I do.

I’m scared that I don’t understand you.

I’m scared that you will never understand me.

I’m scared of losing chances.

I’m scared of what I think.

I’m scared of what you don’t think.

I’m scared that you believe the things you say.

I’m scared you don’t believe in your value to me.  To others.

I’m scared that you don’t care enough about yourself-to let others care.

And I’m scared that you will die.  Before I can get to know you.  Before I can hug you.  Before I can love you.

You have no idea my fears.

And the disgust I feel when I look in the mirror and admit to myself that I am scared.