But Sometimes I Do Hate

One of my sisters and I used to live very close to one another.   For a very long time.  Our children were raised together, in separate houses.  But very much around one another.   It was often  that a child (or me) would say “I hate….” whatever it was we hated at the moment.  I’m pretty sure 99% of the time the comment was uttered without thinking past the second it took to say the word ‘hate’.   If my sister was within ear shot she would say “we don’t say hate”.

And I caught myself over the years trying to not say hate.

And I now repeat that same phrase to others.

But I’ve come to realize something.

Even as I say “we shouldn’t say hate” I know that we – me –  do indeed, hate.  Call me a hypocrite.  I deserve it.  I’ve tried to change ‘hate’ in my head to other expressions.

I have a strong aversion to things.

I  have a strong dislikes of things.

I passionately don’t like some people.

But sometimes that just doesn’t seem to cover it.  It’s not strong enough to “not like” something.

Hate is a negative.    And negative is supposed to be a bad thing.   I struggle with ‘hate’ and thinking I need to eradicate it from my life.

But isn’t a double negative a positive?

How can hating a horrible thing, be a bad thing?

Is hating things okay?  And is hating negative things going to help eradicate these things?

I hate the taste of liver.  That is never going to change.

I hate it when I make snap judgments.  I hope I can change that.  Making snap judgments I mean.

I hate child abuse.   

I hate elder abuse.

I hate sex abuse.

I hate cancer.

I hate all horrible diseases that cause suffering and pain.  

I hate that people kill one another.  I hate that people can’t get along.  I hate that there is so much incredible pain.

I hate that people loving one another is a threat to others.  Or a reason to hate.

I hate that there are people walking their lives in pain and sorrow.

And the most difficult use of hate, the biggest hurdle I have?   Though I try to deny it and act better than I am…..I dare say…..I hate some people.  Certain persons.   Cruel persons.  I know.  Hate the act not the person.  But I’m not sure I can, or ever have been able, to truly do that.   Not in every situation.   And I don’t know if I want to worry about it any more.   Can I hate someone and just leave it at that?  When I believe there is true evil within a person?

There are a lot of changes that have been made in this world because good people hated bad things.   And they changed them.

I have and probably will continue to say “don’t say hate” because it is such a hard and hurtful way to be.   But I don’t believe I exist in hate.  I just think sometimes there are horrible horrible things that do not need to be minimized by plea bargaining hate down to “dislike” or “don’t care for”.

I don’t harbor hate.  I don’t carry it.  I don’t dwell on it.   But sometimes I do hate.

But I will only hate very very bad things.