But Sometimes I Do Hate

One of my sisters and I used to live very close to one another.   For a very long time.  Our children were raised together, in separate houses.  But very much around one another.   It was often  that a child (or me) would say “I hate….” whatever it was we hated at the moment.  I’m pretty sure 99% of the time the comment was uttered without thinking past the second it took to say the word ‘hate’.   If my sister was within ear shot she would say “we don’t say hate”.

And I caught myself over the years trying to not say hate.

And I now repeat that same phrase to others.

But I’ve come to realize something.

Even as I say “we shouldn’t say hate” I know that we – me –  do indeed, hate.  Call me a hypocrite.  I deserve it.  I’ve tried to change ‘hate’ in my head to other expressions.

I have a strong aversion to things.

I  have a strong dislikes of things.

I passionately don’t like some people.

But sometimes that just doesn’t seem to cover it.  It’s not strong enough to “not like” something.

Hate is a negative.    And negative is supposed to be a bad thing.   I struggle with ‘hate’ and thinking I need to eradicate it from my life.

But isn’t a double negative a positive?

How can hating a horrible thing, be a bad thing?

Is hating things okay?  And is hating negative things going to help eradicate these things?

I hate the taste of liver.  That is never going to change.

I hate it when I make snap judgments.  I hope I can change that.  Making snap judgments I mean.

I hate child abuse.   

I hate elder abuse.

I hate sex abuse.

I hate cancer.

I hate all horrible diseases that cause suffering and pain.  

I hate that people kill one another.  I hate that people can’t get along.  I hate that there is so much incredible pain.

I hate that people loving one another is a threat to others.  Or a reason to hate.

I hate that there are people walking their lives in pain and sorrow.

And the most difficult use of hate, the biggest hurdle I have?   Though I try to deny it and act better than I am…..I dare say…..I hate some people.  Certain persons.   Cruel persons.  I know.  Hate the act not the person.  But I’m not sure I can, or ever have been able, to truly do that.   Not in every situation.   And I don’t know if I want to worry about it any more.   Can I hate someone and just leave it at that?  When I believe there is true evil within a person?

There are a lot of changes that have been made in this world because good people hated bad things.   And they changed them.

I have and probably will continue to say “don’t say hate” because it is such a hard and hurtful way to be.   But I don’t believe I exist in hate.  I just think sometimes there are horrible horrible things that do not need to be minimized by plea bargaining hate down to “dislike” or “don’t care for”.

I don’t harbor hate.  I don’t carry it.  I don’t dwell on it.   But sometimes I do hate.

But I will only hate very very bad things.

39 thoughts on “But Sometimes I Do Hate

  1. I get where you’re coming from, Colleen. Hate is such a trigger word. Haters are despised, ridiculed, even. But …

    As you point out, for every see there is a saw.

    It is OK to loathe actions you have seen as awful, and situations you know are unbearable.

    I think it is even OK to hate people who have treated you in a hateful manner.

    As long as you take a breath and teeter back over to the loving, positive world in which you most truly flourish.

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    • Thank you Mark. I do feel much better in the loving and positive world. I see such horrible things sometimes and as we all must do (don’t we?) I try to figure out in my head how to deal with these things that happen. I’ve accepted that terrible things happen, and people do terrible things, but sometimes terrible things happen because some people are terrible. And oddly enough? I don’t feel hate towards anyone that has been hurtful or hateful towards me. I feel hate towards others who have hurt people I know (or even don’t know) who suffer terribly because of what was done to them. I do think the word “loathe” may be a better word. Great feed back, I’m grateful.

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  2. I understand this completely. It’s the passion behind the hate, or rather, hating those things that deserve to be passionately hated, that made me want to watch how I use the word “hate” (such as hating the taste of liver…yeck!). I won’t win any enlightenment points for this but I see nothing wrong with hating evil, hating evil actions, or hating the person that is or does evil. I can tell you don’t exist in hate, and that’s the important part, in my opinion. Those things you hate? I hate them too. I can’t imagine expressing it as “I don’t care for child abuse.”

    Thank you for another thought-provoking post, CM. 🙂

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    • Thank you Robin. I think part of my concern about “allowing” hate to be a part of my vocabulary was and is just that….I don’t want to exist in hate. I still remember the first time my sister said “we don’t say hate” and I was like “yes we do”. But the more I thought about it, and saying it in front of the kids, the more I realized I don’t want to flippantly or thoughtlessly say/use hate. When I was thinking about this the other day I just, like you say, couldn’t accept the “I don’t care for child abuse”. No, I truly hate child abuse (etc). So much good feed back here! (Mark, above, used the word loathe, I like that.)

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  3. This is good and thought provoking. I was taught weirdly never to say or use the word hate because it’s a strong word. To me that word now feels like a swear word but, the odd time or maybe more than the odd time, it comes out of me because like you, if I’m being honest with myself, there are some things that I really hate too.

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  4. An interesting perspective, Colleen. We do use that word in response to things, more than people perhaps. Even when I think of the people I would say I hate, because they are strangers to me, I’m not sure I really “hate”–I can’t feel the emotion as strong for a stranger as someone close to me. I probably “hate” what they did, more than I can feel the emotion directly for them. I’m splitting hairs here, I think, because in reality, I’m not sure what I think about this. I’ll be considering it for awhile. Very thought provoking! 🙂

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    • Thank you Debra. I don’t mind the splitting hairs. I think I get what you mean. I think there are many actions that I hate created by people I don’t hate. I think it would be difficult to truly hate someone you don’t know. Not impossible, as anonymous referenced Hitler above. I can fully understand the hating of someone who instills fear and pain on an entire world.

      And to be honest? I’m actually feeling weirdly uncomfortable even writing “I hate”.

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  5. Excellent insight, Colleen! Yes, “hate” is a 4-letter word, but sometimes it’s appropriate. Sara “hates” it when I use the word. She says I use it too much. Maybe I do–but sometimes it’s appropriate!

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

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    • Hello Kathy. Sara sounds like my sister. 🙂 I just said to Debra, above, that I’m uncomfortable even writing “I hate”. I don’t go around saying it, I don’t think. If I allow myself to use “hate” I hope to do so with accurate relevance. But yes, sometimes, I’m telling myself just what you said. Sometimes it is appropriate.

      Hugs returned!

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  6. Hate IS a strong word and I know I ‘hate’ certain things in my life, much as you have mentioned, abuse, wrong-doing etc. I have a habit of telling my grandchildren not to use that word. Just saying the word distorts a face and an anger rises from the depths. This is a dangerous situation and a habit I’m afraid can come to easily over time. Surely, we will always have a dislike of something without the rage behind it if we are aware of what is happening and not make it, well, a habit.

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  7. Colleen, I hear you and I don’t have the least bit of a problem with hating and using the term. I suspect that neither of us use it much, and we only do when it really applies. Yes it is an ugly, nasty, thought provoking word, yes can be an igniter of even more hatefulness. Bu I feel that it is okay to hate some things (I hate beans (of any sort) except green) for example. It is also appropriate for all the ways you acknowledged the existence of the word. It also presents the ultimate of emotions. There is a time and place to hate, and to use the word. I think you post sums that up very well. Also your readers have also added their two cents, which in reality is worth millions. For me it is a very thought provoking post. Thank you. Bill

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    • Bill, I always love your comments. You make me feel okay being me. 🙂 I do love the great feedback. And I do want to be very careful about ‘hate’. You’re right, I don’t use it often or much out loud. But I can’t deny it exists.

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  8. Chatter Master, I HATE to say this but your feelings so very well expressed and explained are part of most everyone’s daily life. You are definitely in the company of millions…but only you can express the feeling so well.

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  9. I like that the word “hate” is used to show how serious you are against mean and despicable people or actions which hurt others. I agree with your hating those nasty people who hurt others. I like liver but used to “hate” brussel sprouts! Then someone added olive oil and a few spices and grilled them in a pan! Yummy! 🙂 We can make some changes but acceptance doesn’t mean those who show NO acceptance in their own actions (ex: bigots, rapists, killers,. . .)

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    • I don’t want to dwell in or be a part of hate. But yes, it does not mean it doesn’t pass through me for some things. Some things I will never be capable of accepting.
      Fortunately, I always liked brussel sprouts. 🙂

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