Me getting angry at you? That’s me loving you.
Yeah, there’s hate in there too.
I hate what you’re doing to yourself. I hate what you’re doing to others. I hate what you aren’t doing for yourself and for those who need you. I hate that you can’t see your own value. I hate that you blame everyone. I hate that you don’t see your own responsibility in your life.
And fear. Let’s not forget fear.
I’m afraid of the decisions you make. I’m afraid of the way you reason. I’m afraid of what you choose to do and not do. And I’m afraid that our grieving will turn in to a different kind of grieving.
Not to mention that helplessness I feel.
I feel helpless. You want me to help. How can I help? What can I do? The kind of help I can give is useless if you refuse to help yourself. You think it’s out of your control? What kind of control do you possibly think me or anyone else has in your decision making?
And back to me getting angry.
Yes. I got angry. Yes. I feel horrible about it. It served no purpose. It did not resolve anything. But I can’t deny this anger. I’m angry that you expect someone else to ‘fix’ something that everyone else is powerless to fix. And I’m angry that you think I’m the enemy – because I can’t.
And though I’m angry, let me end this with something you have buried and forgotten long ago.
Love.
Being angry at you in no way means or even suggests I don’t love you. I love you. Which is partly why I am angry at you. I have emotions for you. Many. Most of which you are oblivious to. Most of which, you don’t really care about. I love you and like most people, I have high(er) expectations for those I love. And for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry because your problems are your problems and being loved doesn’t take your problems away. So forgive me for that. But don’t fault me otherwise for loving you and having hope that you will start to take back control and responsibility. You don’t think I am willing to help you. I am. But I can’t help you do what you are doing. I can only help you when you start to do something different.
I am not your enemy because I got angry at you.
I got angry at you because I love you.
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