I Am Not Your Enemy

Me getting angry at you?  That’s me loving you.

Yeah, there’s hate in there too.

I hate what you’re doing to yourself.  I hate what you’re doing to others.  I hate what you aren’t doing for yourself and for those who need you.  I hate that you can’t see your own value.  I hate that you blame everyone.  I hate that you don’t see your own responsibility in your life.

And fear.  Let’s not forget fear.

I’m afraid of the decisions you make.  I’m afraid of the way you reason.   I’m afraid of what you choose to do and not do.  And I’m afraid that our grieving will turn in to a different kind of grieving.

Not to mention that helplessness I feel.

I feel helpless.  You want me to help.  How can I help?  What can I do?  The kind of help I can give is useless if you refuse to help yourself.   You think it’s out of your control?  What kind of control do you possibly think me or anyone else has in your decision making?

And back to me getting angry.

Yes.  I got angry.  Yes.  I feel horrible about it.  It served no purpose.  It did not resolve anything.   But I can’t deny this anger.  I’m angry that you expect someone else to ‘fix’ something that everyone else is powerless to fix.  And I’m angry that you think I’m the enemy – because I can’t.

And though I’m angry, let me end this with something you have buried and forgotten long ago.

Love.

Being angry at you in no way means or even suggests I don’t love you.   I love you.   Which is partly why I am angry at you.   I have emotions for you.  Many.  Most of which you are oblivious to.  Most of which, you don’t really care about.  I love you and like most people, I have high(er) expectations for those I love.   And for that I’m sorry.  I’m sorry because your problems are your problems and being loved doesn’t take your problems away.  So forgive me for that.  But don’t fault me otherwise for loving you and having hope that you will start to take back control and responsibility.  You don’t think I am willing to help you.  I am.  But I can’t help you do what you are doing.  I can only help you when you start to do something different.

I am not your enemy because I got angry at you.

I got angry at you because I love you.

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38 thoughts on “I Am Not Your Enemy

  1. bikebrown says:

    That’s a hard truth, but still the truth.

    Like

  2. Ann Koplow says:

    Wonderful post. Thanks so much.

    Like

  3. markbialczak says:

    I hope very much that the message gets through, Colleen. And I hope you feel better after letting it out.

    Like

  4. penpusherpen says:

    Sometimes, Colleen, those we love don’t know they’re letting us down, or themselves, … that’s when the anger rises…and needs outlet… As you’ve done, hope the release is helpful for both cases. xxx Pen xxx

    Like

    • Thank you Pen. I wish wish wish it would help who and what needs help. If I had that kind of power with words I would be in demand!!!

      I did need an outlet. I could deal with the being let down, if it was out of effort. But being let down because of no effort…. sad, long, sigh.

      Thank you for caring.

      Like

  5. Robin says:

    Sounds like a hard, but necessary, truth. I hope the love in your message shines through enough to help change what needs to be changed.

    Like

  6. giselacarmona says:

    Amen!

    Like

  7. I hope this helped! I understand being in that place. We feel powerless to do anything. Helping is more enabling than helping and they see it as not helping. Ugh! I feel for you in this one.

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    • Thank you Huck. That is exactly it! “Helping” the way they want help is enabling and hurting. Though I can see that. They cannot. Vicious cycle this is. I, and others, “appear” to be turning our backs. It is the furthest thing from the truth.

      Like

  8. FlaHam says:

    Colleen, WOW, I truly hope that this helped in some small way, that it allowed you some shred of relief, and again allowed you to focus and what is the most important. It is difficult even in the best of times to contain any emotion. But anger built from love is probably the most difficult of all to contain. Your words contains all the sounds of anger, but you could see the love never left. Colleen I feel your pain, and I wish I had a solution, I don’t, but you have my support always. Take care, Bill

    Like

    • Thanks for the support Bill. Sometimes it is truly the only thing we want or need. We know the answers aren’t there. At least not the answers that are accepted. And you’re so very right. Anger from love is probably the most difficult to contain. I’m learning that…..I’m a slow learner…..

      Like

  9. tric says:

    If you didn’t love you would feel nothing. Anger is definitely a strong emotion and very justifiable. The sad truth is none of us can help someone who wont help them selves. Their blame is just an excuse.
    Thinking of you, and remember it’s never over until its over.

    Like

    • Thank you Tric. That is just what I need to hear. It isn’t over yet. I keep envisioning a different outcome. I believe as long as there is breath, there is hope. But sometimes….it gets foggy between my eyes and the vision of hope. But it’s there.

      Thank you!

      Like

  10. msampson999 says:

    I can relate. As you put it, its out of “frustrated love.” I couldn’t have said all this any better.

    Like

  11. April says:

    I wish I could share these words with a particular person in my life. It’s a person I never write about because they read my blog….and also misinterpret what I’m saying. I love them, but hate what they are doing, and not taking responsibility but blaming.

    Like

  12. Mustang.Koji says:

    Sorry I’m late to the show, Chatter Master…. I see you had experienced this sense of helplessness? That someone took you wrong when you tried to help? It happens more often than you think in the world around you. Being spoiled (common in this day and age) also complicates the problem – I’m like that…but shouldn’t be. I get upset when somebody doesn’t do as I “want”. Could that be a problem in your case?

    Like

    • It could be part of the problem. Not doing what “I” think is best. But also the fact that they aren’t doing anything at all….and blaming others for the decisions they make. It’s so sad.

      Like

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