Does This Make Me A Bad Person?

I’m standing still right now.   Not moving anywhere.  I’m afraid to look ahead.   Part of me wants to freeze the right now.  But I can’t.  I can’t stop time.  I can’t stop changes from happening.

I know what kind of person I claim to be.

Now I have to be it.

Or not.

I’m at the fork.    Needing to decide so I can move.

I need to move.

I’m standing here knowing I’ve decided I don’t want retaliation in my life.  I don’t want revenge.  I don’t want any more bad things to happen.  Not to anyone.  I don’t want to wish suffering on anyone.

But I do want something.

I wish for people in this world to understand.  To comprehend and truly realize the impact of the their actions, their words, and their in-actions on others.  I want them to wake up, look in the mirror, and see in their own faces the reality of what they have done to other people.  I want them to see their own callousness.  I want them to feel the fear and anxiety they cause.  I want them to know the sorrow they create.

I am thinking the realization of the reality of what they have done to others should be burden enough for them.   If there is truth in what they see, the burden of that truth will be enough.

Is that retaliation?

Does this make me a bad person?

I have to move.   And I have to take this decision with me.

But being the person I want to be there is a caveat.  If I wish this on others.  I must be prepared to do the same.  To wake up and see the impact of what I have done, in my face.   To feel the result of my actions on others in my heart.   To carry the burden of the suffering I have caused on my shoulders.

I know I would see, I would feel, and I would carry.

Because I do.   I accept that I do.

Does that make me a bad person?

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52 thoughts on “Does This Make Me A Bad Person?

  1. Mustang.Koji says:

    Of course it doesn’t, Chatter Master. It is saying that if you breathe, you are a bad person for contributing carbon dioxide into our atmosphere, adding to “global warming”. But what you wrote is so true. If the “others” can only see the impact of their actions…but for many, they cannot see passed their own nose.

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    • Those are the very ones I want so badly to have to “see” and “feel” what they have done. I think many of us already do. Those who separate themselves from us….they are who scare me.

      Thank you Koji.

      Like

  2. Mustang.Koji says:

    Reblogged this on Masako and Spam Musubi and commented:
    I felt she had good words to read and then contemplate on…

    Like

  3. jmgoyder says:

    You are one of the “goodest” people I have ever come across!

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  4. russtowne says:

    May you and all involved in your situation find lasting joy. I wish that for everyone.
    Russ

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  5. It makes you a responsible person. Nothing “bad” in that.

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  6. You are so down on yourself and I know not why. Wishing bad things not to happen is perfectly normal,wishing for those that hurt others being able to see their actions, also normal. Unfortunately many won’t, they live with blindfolds. You are not bad, you are human, you are normal..no I take that back, there aren’t many ‘normal’ people who care as you do. xx

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    • Thank you Jen. I hoped by writing this out I wouldn’t be so down on the reality of my feelings. I want to be one of those stellar, “nothing can beat me” kind of people. But….reality is there are things out there TRYING to beat us down. And when that happens I react with intense emotion. Even if they don’t beat me down, I have feelings about it. And I don’t want negative feelings to grow and swell in me. Thank you for the support. It means a lot. ❤

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      • I can’t be one of those stellar nothing will beat me type people, though at times I would want to be. Stuff does erk me, get to me, annoy me, depress me, anger me and with all of these emotions I learn something new. Sometimes things fester and that’s ok too, as long as i can release and not let it drag me down too much. Possibly you have picked up from this from previous posts 😦 but I’m human and it’s not me to be bubbly sunshine all the time, I think my family would then look at me really strangely ~ smiles

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      • And you are welcome, if I forgot to write that which I think I did. x

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        • Thanks Jen. I do ‘want’ to be all stellar. But sometimes the shock of something just doesn’t give you time to grab emotions and reactions and keep them in check. And once they are let loose…it’s hard to pull them back in. I think in working through this I was SO shocked and disbelieving….it’s been hard to adjust. But….adjust I must! 🙂

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  7. bikebrown says:

    A bad person doesn’t see, or worse doesn’t care about how their actions affect others. You CM are a very good person.

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  8. penpusherpen says:

    We all have a responsibilty, Colleen, to face the consequences of our actions, thoughts and deeds. It doesn’t make us bad, or unfeeling to carry through , it just makes us human, Showing how we feel. as you feel, is a sign that we are good at heart, … things just have to be said or done… otherwise we’d be forever silent… always worrying about the carry on effect… Hurting for hurting sake tho’ ? , to me that’s a no no, and karma will out.. (thinking of someone I know now!! 😦 ) xPenx

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  9. Elisa says:

    I think that I (maybe we) always THINK that we see, but we do not know what we saw until we see us noticing it. Until we see it, and even then only as much of it as we are able with what we’ve got, we are all just as bad. Perhaps for me, the perception of bad is awful, and I ought to be shot, I ought to obliterate myself. Perhaps, it’s just another thing to work on during a day…and the next, and the next after that. What about that recoil from things that for some reason or another that we label BAD? I do NOT at all intend to suggest that one who knows inside badness, and I think we always know, we feel that energy, or becomes aware of said badness, ought to pretend it is ok, because bad is only a perception…nope, that is just an excuse. Is BAD = Failure–permanent failure? Is that belief correct?

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    • Elisa I’ve been told perception is everything. And I get that. But some things are beyond perception. Some “bad” is just down right bad. At least that is my opinion. But I’m the first to admit I do not know everything!

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  10. No, no, it does not make you a “bad” person—it just makes you a “person.” It makes you human–nothing more, nothing less. What I love about you is your willingness to ask difficult questions and to seek answers. Sometimes I think the seeking itself is part of what makes life meaningful.

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

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    • Thanks Kathy. I do feel better when I ask myself these things, and ask David about them, and see what we both think respectively. I am harder on myself when I have negative reactions, David is much more accepting of this as normal. I think I fear the negative and what it “could” do. So I try to talk/write/sing (!) my way through these parts of life. I like that I am a person. 😀

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  11. April says:

    Nope. It doesn’t make you bad. I have the same wishes, and am extremely frustrated that people will be what they are. Some good, some bad. I wish the bad didn’t bounce light so brightly, they overshadow the good.

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  12. kocart says:

    The wisest counsel of all time commanded forgiveness. “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” You can hope others will know their errors, but you must let go of that hope to have peace. You should meet the most willfully imperfect person with grace and forgiveness. By recognizing where you fall short in your own life, and by asking forgiveness for your mistakes, you take a good and humble first step toward grace–because knowing you are imperfect lets you grant mercy for the failings of others. I think you have taken that good first step.

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    • Thank you Kocart. I do fall short. And I know that this wise counsel is what we should strive to do. And I want to. In comparison I know I am far from where I should be. I do recognize this. I do wish I had this kind of grace and forgiveness in me. It is possible to have it….right? I do believe that. I know I fall so very short.

      Thank you for the feedback and encouragement.

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      • kocart says:

        No one can do it alone. Our Lord gave us this good counsel. We are not expected to be perfect, but still we are forgiven, and saved! I look inside myself and see plenty amiss, and I try to do better, but fall short. But I know that to believe is to have Hope. I don’t know you, or your troubles and misgivings. I will keep you in my prayers, that you find Him and the love that covers all.

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  13. markbialczak says:

    You are not a bad person. You are a person person, a people person, a person who wants the best out of every other person. You are my kind of person, Colleen.

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  14. Of course you are not a bad person; you’re a human being with sensitivity. We all have to accept ourselves and others as we are. If we expect everyone to behave according to our specifications, then everyone has to be reborn, even ourselves. You are a thinking, caring person.

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  15. FlaHam says:

    Colleen, So many many responders have told you, you aren’t a bad person. I can’t add any more to that, you’re not! You don’t even come close to being a bad person, and you sure as hell couldn’t be a bad person on a tv show. Some folks have goodness to their very core, other the goodness doesn’t quite get to the core. I suspect your goodness does make it to the core. But I feel your words make you human, they make you complete, that give you purpose, and you use them to express yourself as so many of us wish we could express ourselves. Soft smile, your wish that folks understood the impact of their actions is again most of us get and understand. But wanting it and making it happen are almose impossible. So we take little steps, and we stand on OUR soapboxes and make our thoughts known with the hopes that our words and thoughts touch one individual, that someone who really needs to hear what we are saying, and chooses that moment to change and start a new process within themselves. But please remember if you weren’t on your soapbox you might not have reached that person, you might not have had the impact for change. No my dear your not a bad person, your a good person trying to affect and effect change. Thank you, Bill

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    • Bill….I chuckled that I couldn’t even be a bad person on tv (that’s a throw back that ages us!). I thank you for the encouragement. but I do feel like I have “bad” in me. Maybe not “bad” but some negative. I have to be aware of it and keep it in check. I’ve seen it get out of hand. And I don’t ever want that to happen. It’s why I try to talk and walk my way through it with words so IT doesn’t reach my core. Thank you for always being with me to make sure I stay on the straight and narrow. 😉

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  16. tarafaherty says:

    Colleen ! On your worst day, you could not be a bad person. Period.

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  17. I totally understand what you’re saying. You want justice and sometimes there just is none sadly. It doesn’t make you a bad person at all.

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  18. Robin says:

    I don’t think it makes you a bad person at all. It makes you an aware person who wants others to be aware people. I could be wrong, but I don’t think people can change or grow or become better (whatever better might be) without awareness. I also don’t think they can truly feel without it, either. It seems sad to me, to be living without any kind of self-awareness. Self-awareness, my friend, is something you have in spades. It’s what makes you a good person. 🙂

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    • 🙂 thank you Robin. I I think you are absolutely right about awareness. I have gotten a lot of personal change out of becoming aware of my behaviors/actions/attitudes towards others. How can I become better if I don’t know what I am doing? Thank you for the encouragement. Always. 🙂

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  19. viveka says:

    Common, Colleen – you being a bad person … so what is a bad person, we all are bad at times: in acting, thinking and … saying in somebodies eyes and ears … but so are they.
    So long we don’t forget to be a good person … the rest of the time.

    Like

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