Self Control Is Exhausting

Today I told my husband to get ready to repair a window.  I was angry enough that I wanted to throw something through a window.  I mean I truly wanted to chuck something through to hear glass breaking.  To feel the power of my arms hurl something forcefully and powerfully enough to send it soaring.  I wanted to destroy.  Crush.  Break.  I had the window picked out and the item I intended to throw.

I was controlled enough that I didn’t.

I was frustrated at having the control to not do it.  Because I wanted to.

I was tired from exerting the control over the anger and dealing with the frustration of it.

I was disappointed in myself for feeling so angry.

I was sad about being disappointed in myself.

I was worried that all of these things were flying through my head.

I was stressed that I was worried.

I was anxious because I couldn’t get rid of the stress.

I was tense because the stress on top of the anxiety was torturing my muscles.

I was miserable over the negative outlook.

I was gloomy about the cynical perspective.

I felt guilty over my negative attitude.

I was downhearted over my reaction.

I am sorry for my temper.

This is too exhausting.

I’m going back to happy.

It sure feels a hell of a lot better.

37 thoughts on “Self Control Is Exhausting

  1. Dont feel so bad. I reach a point where self control is not an option. My rant of choice is to leave as many rooms as possible, while raving, ensuring I slam each door with all my might. Then I feel fine, but the others seem traumatised for a while after. 🙂

    Like

  2. Happy’s always a better place to be, Colleen, .. Angry is self destroyhing, but we do need to let it out.. or it gains control and builds… I’d have thrown the brick…probably missed , (aims terrible) and hit my foot.. see? self destroying eh? 😀 xPenx

    Like

  3. Colleen, My dear if you will step this way I will have my tailor fix you right up with the jacket with the sleeves on backwards. It appeared you were having a moment, moments are good. I on the other hand would have had broken glass, and a shattered something or other, because I couldn’t plan as well as you, nor could I have maintained the control necessary to not complete the action that was foremost in my head. But then I would have had to call a repairman, and have all the anxiety associated with the destruction of personal property, and getting things back to almost normal. While you have the immediate satisfaction of not being destructive, I would have had to wait until the window was replaced, the bill paid, and a good explanation to the wife given before I could take any joy (at which point I don’t believe there would have been any joy leftover). Your way is clearly better. Take care, Bill

    Like

  4. Wow you’re hard on yourself. It’s okay to be angry. It’s even necessary to feel what we feel so we can move on. Be nice to you. Sorry you’re struggling. I hope you’re not just forcing yourself to feel happy .

    Like

    • Thanks Huck. Today was much better. I do sound hard on myself don’t I? When actually, if I put these questions in writing and put it out there it gives me a better perspective. I think it would have been okay to get angry and just let it go. But there is also a feeling of satisfaction for not getting angry. I think it goes back to believing we make the best decisions we can in any given moment when we make a decision. And I have to be okay with that. 🙂 I like putting this stuff out there to see how I might think differently when others see it.

      Like

    • DuncanR, I admire your clear thinking on this. I may have been more likely to clear some of the anger webs in my head if I had been alone. But being that angry and making my poor husband witness it….just didn’t seem fair. But if you don’t mind, I think I will hold on to your “sod self control” and clear the air. I think I do need to give myself the green light on SOME occasions to do just that. Thank you. 🙂

      Like

  5. Wish you could be here. I’ve got things you could destroy, and feel better for having done it (because it goes back to what I mentioned once before — sometimes you have to destroy before you can create). Or, you know, just be happy. That works too. 😀

    Like

  6. You, Chatter Master, have much more resolve than many of us…but then again, that may truly mean you are really holding it in. I like your resolution. Now go get some (low cal) ice cream with Po.

    Like

  7. The window had it coming. Still, that was some great self-control. I think of the Monty Python song…Always Look on the Bright Side of Life. I admire your getting back to Zen. I say massage treat to self 🙂

    Like

  8. This is so great …. that you are just normal … like the rest of us. *laughing
    But I must say sometimes is feels good to be mad too. *smile – really mad … that is what doors are for !!!!!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.