No Next Times

It might seem extreme.  But every time I’m angry enough with someone that I say I don’t have the energy or desire to ‘fix’ it – I think.

I think –  “what if they were dead”.

If my anger is more important than that-

There’s something else wrong.

Of course there could many different things ‘wrong’.  And they might not be my wrongs but someone else’s wrongs.  And maybe they aren’t wrongs at all.  But differences.   For that matter maybe they aren’t differences but misunderstandings.  If not misunderstandings maybe it’s a lack of effort to understand.  Or maybe, I just didn’t care enough to care.

Or possibly  if I’m so angry at someone that I don’t care if I fix the relationship or not….maybe the relationship has no value to me.

I know some people might read this and think I’m writing about or to them.

I’m not.

I’m writing about an experience.

When my dad died.

After he died I heard a lot of comments.  Comments about being together.   And “why didn’t I…”   And “I should have…..”    And “I never got to…..”.

Those things can’t be changed.

Those things that weren’t said.   Weren’t done.    Weren’t fixed.   They remain as they were at the time of his death.   Never to be changed.   Never to be given an opportunity for redemption.  No next times.  No chances to soothe hurts.   No chances to say ‘you hurt me’ and be open enough to let someone else make repairs.

And the follow up to those comments were “from now on I’m going to……”.

I spent many years having regrets and thinking my dad had regrets (took me awhile to realize that was arrogant of me).

It also took me a long time to learn that even if a relationship has no value to me….it does not in any way mean that the persons involved have no value.  And, that they have a perspective all their own that is likely very very different than mine.   We may both be right.  We may both be wrong.   But where ever we stand it is solely in our power to determine how we leave things or how we repair things.

And sometimes there is no repair to be made or to be had.   Sometimes there is only acknowledgement that there is pain.  And that regardless of the pain, you matter.  I matter.  We all matter.

Our feelings matter.  We have the absolute right to how we feel.  But how I feel doesn’t diminish your value.  And how you feel doesn’t diminish my value.

And there is nothing more important than you.   And I.

We can exist without anger.

Anger cannot exist without us.

And we will only exist for a short time.

I’ve lived after loss and carried (carry) sorrow and regrets.  I don’t think it’s extreme to try and live my life now so I don’t pick up more along the way.    Or leave any behind me when I go.

It’s not easy.    But I’ve tried to make sure my anger does not carry more value than my love.  Or my self respect.