I Will Find Death

I will find death.  Because it’s there to be found.  It is not elusive.  And I, here, am not eternal.  But when I find it I’ll have a few things to say in welcome.  Yes, welcome.  And a few things to say in parting.

To death I will say – you don’t get me because you have that power.   You don’t have any power.  You are just a gateway.  A means.  A passage.  You don’t get me because you steal me from life.  You get me because it’s my time and my agreement to go.  Before I was here-my life was laid out-and I agreed to live it.  I agreed to return once I was done.  I may not know all purpose I serve but when I agreed I knew.  And I’ll know again when I’m done.   There must be a fabulous reason I would have agreed to come here, knowing it would end, and an even more incredible reason to return.    So to death I would say….you aren’t the answer or the end.  You are just the middle man.

To death I will say I am not yours.  I am using you.  I need to go through you to go where I cannot go while here.

To death I will say – I lived.  I lived.  I lived!   And I will live some more.

To death I will say – you do not stop me.  Nor do you end me.  Death is not capable of destroying eternity.  Love is eternity.  And I am love.

I will find death and I will take it by the hand.  I will pull myself up, and up!  Holding firmly to catapult myself in to my eternal future.

When I find death it will be with a lifetime of memories, here.  To take Home with me to share.  To help me learn and ascend into greater knowledge, humility and understanding.

Death will not find me fearful.   Death will not find me cowering.   Though in life I have been, and will be again, both fearful and cowering.

Death you need not be impatient.  You have no right to come and get me.  I will come to you when it’s time.  You don’t destroy.  You haven’t that right.  There is only one time for me.   And that’s when it will be.    That moment of return-to a promise I made.

When I find death I will leave, here,  unwhole.  I will leave scattered behind me thoughts I shared, hours I laughed, days I screamed with frustration or excitement, moments I cried, pieces of me that others may need.  I cannot leave here whole and have no desire to.   But I will leave here full.

Death you will not take me.  I will find you and I will use you.  You do not get to pick and choose.  We will all have our rights to you.

I will not find you wanting.  I will find you waiting.  Until that time comes – I am busy finding more ways to live here.  I have a contract to live.   I get to live it fully.  And it’s not you who finds me.  I will go find you.

48 thoughts on “I Will Find Death

  1. Love your attitude, Colleen! And yes, you still have plenty of sharing to do, so that the rest of us can benefit. Wonderful stuff.

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  2. Colleen, Thank you for creating this, thank your lovely mind for having the foresight, thank your fingertips for their ability to convey your thoughts. This is beautiful. Love, Bill

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  3. Six years ago I was given a scary cancer diagnosis – and while everyone around me had fear on their faces of the worst possible scenario… I was ready for the fight. I knew my contract wasn’t up – and I had so much more to do and live and be! As soon as I got the news that I was cancer-free, I started a gratitude list – every day. That’s my way of giving death the middle finger – enjoying every freaking moment that God has given me. 😉 And I do!

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    • Way to kick life in to high gear FindMeg!!!! I’m sorry you went through that. But am so happy for you and your family that you are gratituding every freaking moment. 😉 THAT is beautiful!

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  4. Your words here…are for us to “hear”… and admire. I am behind again overall in the blogs but I wonder what brought these profound feelings to WordPress for us to enjoy. Yes. Very profound.

    {In a way, it echoes of Buddhism (no religious overture here) but it is uncannily similar.}

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    • I’m glad it echoes to you in your beliefs Koji. That means a lot to me.

      I don’t have specific reasons for this to be pounding in my head. It’s been pounding in there for years. I’ve had this in my head and heart for a long time. I fear, sometimes, writing about death. But I need to. Not having a chance to say goodbye to my father has tormented me since his passing. I feel a need to leave thoughts and ideas of mine behind. In case my kids ever have a curiosity to what I thought or felt or experienced in life. I want to make sure they know.

      Thank you.

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    • Well, I don’t know that I am trying to defy it as much as define it. It’s there and it scares us or intimidates us or confuses us or horrifies us. But it’s there and can’t be refuted. I think maybe possibly emotionally defying it’s impact on how I live????

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  5. That is a great way of looking at it. I love the attitude, like Dylan Thomas, but not fighting it more like snapping your fingers at it. Reminded me of Death playing chess for some reason.

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  6. I have read this for a second time and I believe that once we find an acceptance of death as a part of life we can begin to live. Thanks Chatter, I have read many of your post two or three times and find so much wisdom in someone so young. Keep up those thought processes and continue to walk to your own drummer. Ann

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    • Thank you Ann. I think your point is spot on about acceptance and living.

      And I appreciate you thinking I am young. 🙂 I feel young. Which is truly what seems to matter. Your encouragement and support is very much appreciated. colleen

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  7. FYI this was read at Bill Hamilton’s Memorial Service. It moved me to tears. Thank you so much for writing this and being a friend of Bill’s. He will be so very missed.

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    • Jean, thank you for the comment and coming in for a visit. Bill actually let me know quite some time ago. He had asked permission to use it and we talked about it. I was very honored he wanted to use it. He knew my reasons for writing this, and though not the same as his, he understood what I was saying and wanted to include them in his “end of retirement” service. He was wonderful. I had the great pleasure of meeting Bill and Stephanie and am ever so glad my husband and I took the opportunity when we did. I miss him. I’m sorry for your loss.

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