Altered Courses

I woke up this morning thinking about life decisions.  Do you ever have those reflective moments where you wonder what you would be doing now if you hadn’t of made changes in your life then ?

This morning was one of those reflective moments.  I got on my bike this morning.  Pedaling ever so slowly and energetic-less.   Past decisions circling my thoughts for some reason.  I wonder if I dreamt of something and it was circling just outside of my consciousness.  I envisioned a parallel life.  Time wise.  A life I would be living now.  Me in the world now if I had not changed my world.  I imagine some of those parallel worlds existing.  There would be many.  Because at many times in life we make decisions that greatly alter our trajectory.  I see me in these other dimensions.

I wonder the impact on my children and their lives if I had not made changes.  I wonder about what, if any, children I would have if I am contemplating choices I made before their existence.

As creative as I can be with imagery, ideas and dreams, I’ve taken note of something.  While I may not imagine horribleness or horridness in these alternate and parallel lives, I often in the imagining of them, feel a blandness or sadness.

I never imagine them better than now.

I never imagine them happier than now.

I never imagine wealth or fame.

I just imagine what was, and it still existing.

Isn’t that why we make changes?  Take chances?

I am acutely aware that some of my life decisions have hurt others.  And for that I carry my own burden.  But I can’t say it would make me change if I were to return to those moments and have the option to make a different path.

I can’t help but be curious about how I had the energy, courage, or even fear, to make the changes I made.  But I made them.  And I don’t have to imagine the reality of my existence now.    I don’t have to imagine the truth of love, the existence of people who I am part of, and who are now part of me.  I don’t have to wonder what could be better.  I don’t have to envision life if I would change something now.

I can’t imagine changing now what fills me with gratitude and fulfillment.

I can’t imagine being anywhere but right here.

My world.