Message In A Doctor’s Office

I had a doctor’s appointment today.  I went to have a consultation.   And when I arrived I had taken books, paper and pen, phone, everything to occupy my head.   My hands.  Things to keep busy.  Other than keeping up with some texts about someone in the hospital, all other busy work stayed in my backpack.  After the nurse and I finished a pleasant talk and information gathering I just sat.  My back straight.  My legs crossed.  My hands on my leg.  Folded.

Patiently.

Which I am not.

I had no idea where the ease in which I was sitting there was coming from.

Soon, very soon, the door bursts open and a man in white comes in with a smile and a handshake.  We’ve met before but it’s been years.  We re-meet.

He asks me what I’ve been doing the last five years.   Seriously.   He looks at my chart, sees that he hasn’t had to see me for five years (he’s a specialist) and asks me what I’ve been doing.  So I told him.   And we discussed it.

And though medical stuff was addressed later, he has no idea the impact he had for the first twenty minutes we met.  Maybe it was an hour.  Maybe it was five minutes.  I don’t know.  But we communicated as two people who had something to discuss other than what charts and numbers and age were showing.

It was obvious to me why I was there.

And it wasn’t to see the doctor.

It was to hear a message that I have been straining to hear for weeks.

I wasn’t sitting at home contemplating and worrying.  I wasn’t trying to wrangle answers out of my friends who aren’t sure what it is/was I needed to figure out.  I wasn’t sitting in my car at lunch trying to work it out on my own with paper and pen.

He was talking to me about who I need to hear the applause from.

Without even knowing that I have been asking myself that for weeks.  And weeks.

Applause comes in many forms.  Applause, for definition’s sake,  being the feedback in my life.  To, my actions and my thoughts, to the person I present to the world.

And when I stop worrying about the applause I’m not getting, or where applause is coming from,  and focus on the only one who’s applause matters, I might just get it.

There was more.

But I can’t do it justice.  I can’t write what I absorbed from that meeting today.

I remember when he was asking me about my writing that I told him I write, partly, because I want to reflect daily on life.  That I  find grandness, even without a life of grandeur, I recognize that I have fabulous and extraordinary daily events.   When I have these moments I write about them.  And right now I know I’ve had one of these moments.    And I can’t even put most of it in writing.

Just knowing that I received a message when I have been needing one was power and powerful enough for me.  Even if I can’t do it justice in the sharing of it.

I heard it.