But I Love Him

He isn’t perfect.  But I love him.

He makes me angry.  Quite literally pisses me off.  But I love him.

He has what the politically correct call “issues”.  But we know what it is.  You can pretty up the words.  Not the problem.  But I love him.

I can’t protect him from himself no matter how much I want to.  But I want to.

He makes very poor decisions.  But I love him.

He breaks my heart.  But I love him.

I want to turn my back but don’t think I can.  Because I love him.

I am scared of what I don’t know.  But I’m not scared of loving him.

There’s no way I have any control and it spins relentlessly out of my grasp.  And I still can’t stop loving.

There’s no explaining it, and maybe no need to, it’s unconditional.  That I love him.

Being unconditional doesn’t make it easy.  And doesn’t make it clear on what to do.  Loving someone can actually make things quite confusing.

I know what needs done but I’m not the one that can do it.  And I can’t love him enough to make it happen.  And that makes love kind of cruel. But I can’t not love him.

Whether you understand it or not.  I love him.

Whether he understands it or not.  I love him.

 

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65 thoughts on “But I Love Him

  1. dogear6 says:

    It’s so hard to explain to someone how you can still love someone like that, but in reality we all have someone like that in our life. And it’s nobody’s business why you still love them anyhow.

    Nancy

    • So true Nancy. So very true. Through work and through life experience I’ve learned a very hard truth that there are many who live this every day and it’s not easy, though there are those who do it with more grace, more patience and more understanding. Love doesn’t come with manuals or guarantees.

  2. And there it is. The heart opens and connects when it does, on its own time, in its own way. No undoing it that I know of. ❤

  3. murph says:

    Me too.

  4. The heart wants what it wants. Long and short of the story. ❤ ❤ ❤

  5. tric says:

    I’m sure he knows. Love is not always an easy road.

  6. Such a sweet and sad post. Love is strong for sure! It carries us through the difficult times and in the end, love conquers. It just does. Because love is strong. Wishing you the very best Colleen and hoping your love conquers soon. 🙂

  7. NotAPunkRocker says:

    ((HUGS)) to you dear.

  8. And this is why the saying,. “Love trumps all” endures. With the love you express, Colleen, come an admirable strength. It’s all you have and all you can offer. Wonderfully (and sorrowfully) shared.

    • Thank you Eric. It is, very technically, all I have. And in so many situations I see, all others have. It’s what gets so many through when there is nothing else that can be done at all. When all anyone wants to do IS ‘do’.

  9. How fortunate, for you Colleen, and him. ❤
    Diana xo

  10. Kentucky Angel says:

    I wish you joy and peace Colleen. Love is powerful and sometimes conquers, but it will not be easy. Yet, love is something we can’t explain, we just open our hearts, and pray that it will win all. Never lose hope. Hope is what will keep you going when all else fails you.

    • So true Kentucky Angel. I like that you say it “sometimes conquers”. It does give hope and keeps hearts open. And keeps us going for sure. But it doesn’t give us the ability to make something happen that we can’t make happen. Sadly. Thank you for the wishes. 🙂

  11. Val Boyko says:

    Its the ones we love the most that teach us the most about ourselves…
    He is a lucky man.

    • There is so much you have said in that one sentence. If I could only share my lessons, give them to him….. sadly I can’t. And sadly, it’s not how it works. Thank you.

      • Val Boyko says:

        That is one of the hardest lessons … for me as well. Accepting who we love as we evolve. If they can’t be with us in this space, then it is up to us to love them for who they are and not what we wish them to become.
        This isn’t easy. We can shine our light and be the change … but its up to them to follow it.
        With clarity comes choice.
        hugs
        Val x

  12. markbialczak says:

    Hang in there, Colleen. He is lucky that your unconditional really is. Now he has to love himself as much as you love him. Good luck to both of you in 2015 with this complexity, my friend. I think you have written of this before. It is so, so, not easy.

    • I have written of this before. Thank you Mark. Loving himself and understanding his own value and worth is part of the healing that is needed. Unfortunately that has yet to happen. I wish I had the power, the magic (if you will because that’s what it feels is needed) to make that clear to him. Sometimes all I’m left with is the feeling, the love. That is in actuality all I have. I have absolutely no control, no ‘way’ and no tools to make changes. It hits harder when I work with others trying to help them navigate through how to take care of themselves while protecting themselves from others or accepting that they are powerless in another’s self destruction. I had actually written this some time ago and because of other things I had seen recently I went back to it. Sometimes we are more helpless than we ever understand. Until we try to explain to others how to take care of themselves.

  13. There is nothing like unconditional love and how lucky he is that you have chosen him to love like that. Love is glorious and sad, pitiful and powerful. It is a teacher and we are its students. Love is learning all about ourselves and the people we love. To love someone the way you do, means your heart is open to everything defined by the word. Love your writing.

    • Thank you Mediating Mummy. You’re the second one to talk about love and learning. I have to be honest, I didn’t “choose” to love him. He is there for me to love. I wouldn’t choose to not have him to love! (I’m trying to not be too specific as it is not just ‘my’ story or ‘my’ love. )

      I am definitely a student in this situation. And not a very good student. But regardless. I always go to the final question, what matters most, in the end. Is the love. And that’s there. And will be long after we leave here.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Loving someone this much should feel good,,, sometimes it does not.
    You are such a blessing to all …. And I do understand

    • Thank you. The love part….it feels good. It’s the ‘no control’, and the ‘inability to help or change a bad situation’ that hurts. But, I guess, you’re right. That does hurt because love is there. So, maybe love does not always feel good. And thank you for thinking I’m a blessing. I do know you understand.

  15. reocochran says:

    It is always helpful in relationships to see the ‘good’ in someone and ignore the bad. Sometimes, though, especially I do this, it is okay to say to stop something that is being said that is inappropriate or unkind. I did know someone who irked me but I certainly loved him as a friend. We put up with each other’s opinions and differences, too.

    • So true Robin. Some things can be ignored. Annoying habits and such. And some things can be addressed and discussed and hopefully come to a good conclusion for both parties that helps each.

      And sometimes there is no resolution. And one party is helpless in what another does. And has to stand by idly, though willing, eager and desperate to help-and they can’t.

      • reocochran says:

        I am so sorry you are in this position, it is apparent that you wish to reach out and help. I also am sorry the person won’t allow this to happen. I understand this much better and may have not been on the right level with my comments, Colleen. I wish you did not have to be in the position of feeling helpless.

        • Thank you Robin. No worry. I often read something and pick up on something and go to a place that my brain wants to go….it’s what reading does for us. 🙂

          I appreciate your compassion. There is such misery in helplessness.

  16. If I were to make such a list for my husband, it would be pretty ugly…and it would go on forever!! But do I love him? Oh hell, I guess so!

  17. Gibber says:

    I can hear your heartache. Here’s hoping he takes a positive turn.

  18. niaaeryn says:

    :hugs: that is a great deal of love and I am sure he knows, still that does not make it easy…:hugs: again, with hot cocoa.

    • Thank you Niaaern. Maybe not easy, but if he did know for sure, without a doubt, it might help. But we never know for sure. And comfort extended with hugs and cocoa is a kindness that is always appreciated. 🙂

  19. Insight says:

    Wonderfully depicted! 🙂

    – Rahul

  20. mewhoami says:

    Love can be confusing. Love makes so much sense, but no sense at all.

  21. Such a declaration. Sometimes we stay for children, or for reasons that we cannot share. It’s a tough road, knowing that you love someone, remaining through their faults or annoyances. I guess it’s yes I love you, but do you make me happy? Can I deal with this for ever? Hugs and have two good ears.. 💚 xx

    • Thank you Jen. I am fortunate that this is not a decision I have to make. This is not spouse or partner related. But it is life long connected. And not going to end. And my happiness? It is always ….impacted to some degree. I don’t know if I want to use the word ‘tainted’ or not. But there’s always the shadow…..

      Thank you for those lovely ears. ❤

  22. April says:

    Love, an ingredient I neglected in my family soup. I’m assuming you have a situation, or in some form similar to mine. I am discovering that love is all I have to offer and that my *opinions* only make the situation worse. I can’t change another, only how I come to accept or embrace the differences. Harmful situations come in all forms, and the individual has to want, and love themselves enough to change. A magic wand would be a handy tool, don’t you think?

    • It is so difficult, isn’t it? That “discovery” where we realize our limitations in others lives. And the rediscovery of it over and over again because we keep forgetting it. Yeah. I got that. 😉 If I find that magic wand I will let you know where to pick one up! 😉

  23. Felt like this was so me, at one point in my life

  24. inmycorner says:

    Colleen – I don’t know about “him” – but I think the love you have for others (including me) is one of the most powerful life enhancements I can have. Love lifts me up – inspires me – helps me feel whole. I believe – “he” – whoever he is – knows your love is there and feels its incredible power. Thank-you for giving yourself -your love – to so many, so profoundly.

    • Stacey, this comment is like gold to me. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I do believe he “knows” that the love is there. But I don’t think he believes “he” is lovable or worthy of it. But I can’t thank you enough for saying something that makes me feel valued tonight. It really is very timely. How wonderful is it, that we can empower one another ….. regardless of distance. With words and desire to help? Thank you.

      • inmycorner says:

        I am so glad I can finally give back and support you – after all the encouragement you have given to me! I am so sad that a person so clearly loved can feel so unworthy of that same love… persist! Eventually – you will win him over. You are inescapable! (that’s a good thing.) I read the comments on your post and am in awe of the admiration being poured out to you – bravo. Listen to the people! And, yes – how strange it is that we are strangers with such a symbiotic relationship. (I think there must be a movie buried in here somewhere!) Hang tight! You are welcome.

        • I wish this story could be fully written. Though I could write ‘most’ of it, it isn’t my story to tell. And I couldn’t write the one perspective that needs told. The full story would possibly help some to see a full picture and bring understanding of what others see as throw away people.

          I just know that so many people love, and are left loving someone who doesn’t want to be loved. Or who takes advantage of that love. Or who runs from that love.

          Again, thank you. And it’s nice to be given comfort. Just knowing people care. People will sit and listen and say “hmm mmm” in all the right places, that really matters. 🙂

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