Lesson Learned

I once had a college instructor tell me a mind can only absorb what the butt can endure.

I fully subscribe to that philosophy.  Suffice it to say my greatest lessons were not from butt numbing, brain overloading lectures (for which I owe apologies to my own kids).   I don’t sit long, very well.  What I learned best I learned while doing, watching, or being in the middle of.  The things I learned well, obviously made better impact, were tools I could pick up from that lesson and carry with me.

I learned to say “I’m sorry for your loss” by watching a denim clad motorcycle gang member with chains on his waist, holding his wife’s hand at a funeral home.  He leaned down to the sitting grieving widow, with his free hand he clasped the widow’s hand in her lap, very gently and softly said with the deepest sorrow “I’m sorry for your loss”.   It was genuine.  It was truth.  It was simple.  It was all she needed.  And it taught me that is often all we can do, is simply be there in genuine sorrow for others, without being able to do for others.

I learned to say “thank you” from someone while I was tripping all over myself after being given a compliment.  The giver stood amused.   Finally the giver said “just say thank you”.   Since that moment, I’ve not only said “thank you” I’ve said to others “just say ‘thank you'” as I am the one standing there amused.

Though I grew up being taught responsibility no one really teaches how to take the sting or embarrassment out of saying “it’s my fault” or “I screwed up”. Maybe you can’t take the sting out of it.  But maybe how to handle it.   No one shows you how to look graceful while taking on the fault of something failing or going wrong.  Until I watched, and heard, my supervisor in the middle of explaining what was going to be done to address a situation say – “I own it”.  Hey.  I did this.  It’s done.  We’re moving on and addressing it and dealing with it.  You’re not blaming anyone for this because I’m telling you what happened, and how it happened.   It was owned and powerfully so.  And by owning it, no one else could grab hold of it and use it to blame.

Years ago four of us sat in a room.  We were  strongly discussing a situation.   The wisest of us, a professional woman with more experience and wisdom than the other three of us combined sat there for the most part.  She participated in our conversation.  But in hindsight she did seem to be observing us mostly.   We were all discussing the exact same situation and what to do about it.   There was no resolution, accord or compromise to be seen in the near future.  Our wise professional woman sat back and said, isn’t it amazing how so many intelligent and bright people can see the same situation and because of perception, have a different opinion about how to handle it.   We were all very silent for a moment.  When we resumed our discussion it involved more listening and processing and included acknowledging the perceptions to see if they were part of the resolution, or part of the indecision.   A resolution was come to.   Over the years I have reflected on that incident more than once.  If I’m lucky I remember it during a difficult discussion where an impasse seems to be at hand and I can try to shut myself up and listen more.   Sometimes it may come to me after the fact and I may have to revisit a discussion and return to a situation and ‘own’ my inability to get past my own perceptions to hear out another’s.

I hope this wasn’t butt numbing or brain over loading.

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42 thoughts on “Lesson Learned

  1. The best lessons come this way, not from sensory overload in classes. Love this post. 🙂

  2. Val Boyko says:

    My butt feels good … as does my brain! Thank you for this hare Colleen. There is so much that we still learn as adults!

  3. Jean says:

    My father was a minister and our pews didn’t have any cushions. He made the church purchase cushions immediately because – The brain can only absorb what the seat can endure! Love it.

  4. Victo Dolore says:

    Brilliant on all points. 🙂

  5. Great post Colleen. We do our “best” learning when we are able to learn by example. You have been very perceptive and observant over the years and that has contributed to the wonderful wisdom that you are in possession of now.

  6. bikebrown says:

    You have two ears and one mouth, so listen twice as much as you speak.

  7. Heartafire says:

    Why is it so hard to say “thank you”, I am forever saying “oh, thanks, I’ve had this old rag forever”…or well, it is ok, thank you . Loved your article as always!

    • Thank you Heart. It is difficult. It was as if I spent time looking for reasons to hand back a compliment, or even slap the giver with it!!!! Fortunately that one eventually got through to me!!

  8. Heartafire says:

    Yes, just letting a person know that you are there is all one can do. We can’t take away the hurt or grief, but we can just be there.

    • I was so grateful I was behind that man and his wife. He was so sincere, and his words so kind and simple. This one is difficult because, we want so badly to do so much when others hurt.

  9. I learn by rote and example. I need hands-on learning or at the very least visual aids.
    Fabulous post as always, Colleen. 🙂

  10. reocochran says:

    I liked once when a professor took us out into the lawn outside one of the oldest buildings on campus. Told us some history and then had us write a short poem or story, depending on our own whims. This was always nice when in high school, we would do a creek walk or a bus trip to see glacial grooves on Kelley’s Island. Lessons can be in simple venues or grand ones, but they each make their own unique impression when there is more than just a book or theory being presented.

    • I like the “more than a book or theory” part Robin. I remember in high school when a teacher was giving us a lesson about what happened at Kent State. He put down the books. And told us what happened, because he was there. Huge difference in paying attention.

  11. You seem like a person who has already learned that lesson well.

  12. niaaeryn says:

    Good lessons, and good reminders. I especially liked the professional woman observing more than speaking. I have to remind myself still, to listen is so much more important and often leads to the best discoveries or even acceptance depending. 🙂

  13. To reply to your last line, no it wasn’t. I think I have learnt to listen far more woth daughter K, than I ever did before. Studying or learning doesn’t come easily to me by reading 😦 I need to experience hands on in order to learn.

  14. April says:

    Not butt numbing. Listening is a very important part of a conversation. Listening AND hearing what is said has even more importance.

    • Thank you April. The hearing part sure comes in handy. I have such a difficult time with that. My brain is wired to pick up on something and run wild with it. Seriously, I hear something and the next thing I know I have created a story, or traveled somewhere in my head while someone is still speaking and has been while I have gone completely off somewhere. I will then lose what they were saying, and what my brain was wanting to create.

  15. markbialczak says:

    But no, it was something we all need to hear, Colleen. Listening and speaking are both art forms when done correctly. Thanks, dear buddy.

  16. My butt is not numb. Thank you for this lesson in teaching the teacher!

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