Unknown and Undefined


I recently had an opportunity to apply for a different job.

It was a great opportunity.

I struggled with whether to do it or not.

After much contemplation I decided against applying.

Even though I still struggle with defining my reasons I am happy for having made a decision.

I know it’s right for me.   Even if I can’t accurately say why this decision was right.  I know it was right.  The decision was so multi layered I can’t even begin to try and define it.  But I felt it was not right for me.  And I wasn’t right for it.  Still, I struggle with that decision.  I want to define my reasons.  And make sure I understand them so that if necessary I can learn, adjust and make future decisions with a better understanding of my whys and why nots. Did I sell myself short?  Did I let others down or paint an inaccurate portrayal regarding the work I do?  Or the work I am willing to do?   Did I worry too much about things I should not have considered?  Did I consider the right things or too many of the wrong things.

You know what I want to know?    Did I learn anything from this process.

I tend to think way too much about way too much.

Not being able to define everything I felt to be right has bothered me.  Likely, more than anything else.

Then my friend at work said she had something she wanted to read to me.   She told me she was going to read the actual quote, then she was going to paraphrase it.  Color me curious and intrigued.  I came out from behind my cube walls and sat at our meeting table.  I was touched that she had been out there in her  life and spent part of it thinking about me, and saw something that made her think  to share it.   She  read the quote of Martin Luther King, Jr.


Then she paraphrased it.

Using my name in place of the “street sweeper”.

My friend knows the struggles I had.  And when she read the second version of the quote to me she surprised us both with the emotion she put in to it.  And the emotion I allowed upon hearing it.

I know I made the right decision.  Even though I still can’t define it clearly or accurately.  I just know.

I know I am called to do something.   And I am doing the best I can do define that for myself.  I’ve always felt that if we do the very best at what it is we are doing, and who it is we are suppose to be, then everyone wins.  So this quote does a good job of validating much about what I thought.

And truthfully, I believe my calling is more about who I am and how I do things than what particular thing I am doing.

But even more truthfully……I’m starting to wonder if my calling includes an abundance of over thinking things.  I’m pretty darn good at it.