Before That Phone Call

You have no idea the impact you made on me today.   Truth be told, I don’t know, yet, the full impact you had on me today.

I’ve known of you for a very long time.  I’ve known you as difficult.  Angry.  Threatening.  Controlling.  Out of control.  Inappropriate.

When talking to you by phone I’ve had my hand in my hair, grasping it and ready to pull it out.

I have let slow rolling boils begin and bubble when I’ve been frustrated and exasperated and grasping at straws on what to do with you.  For you.  Because of you.

I’ve wished to not be the one to have to be involved with you.

I’ve been sad because of you.

I’ve been torn because of you.

I’ve been confounded and conflicted because of you.

I’ve been tested because of you.

And today-

I was overwhelmed because of you.

You took the time, in your grief, to contact me.  You told me that from the bottom of your heart you appreciated everything I did for you, how I treated you, how I tried with you, how I understood you.   You told me you made a promise, though you didn’t say who that promise was to,  to call and make apologies.

You said to me-

“I did everything right.

I did everything wrong.”

In those two sentences there was a summation and ownership of some very raw behaviors on your part.  You let me know that you recognized how you behaved, and for a very long time.  And for at least this moment, this very important moment, you know what the impact of your behaviors on others did to them.

And you apologized.

And you thanked me.

And you told me that how I treated you was appreciated.

And you told me to never stop what I’m doing, when often I’ve wondered, silently, how can I keep going.  And you repeated yourself as if you heard me and said please don’t stop what you’re doing.

Though I thanked you profoundly and sincerely-I still could not express to you the depth of my gratitude for you contacting me.  I can’t tell you because I still don’t know.   I hung up the phone from talking with you and was, quite honestly, stunned by our conversation.  If I would have had to guess who would call me and say something that has the potential to change me as a human being today…. I would never, ever, have guessed it to be you.

I can’t tell you that later when I was trying to tell someone else about this I had to stop talking because I was unexpectedly moved to tears trying to verbalize this….

I have a lesson to learn today.  The only problem is, I don’t know what it is.  I know there’s something I’m supposed to take away from what happened today.  It’s supposed to change my thinking.  My perspective.

And it has.

For all that happened before that phone call today.

For all that will happen because of that phone call today.

I thank you.