The other day I was holding my daughter’s daughter. I was singing ‘Amazing Grace’ to her while rocking her. Wanting her to sleep off her crankiness. She began to sing with me in her not quite words humming manner until she nodded off.
I didn’t want to put her down.
I looked at her and saw, newly, how much she resembled her mother at that age.
In that moment I closed my eyes. Picturing the home I lived in when my daughter was that baby. And try as I might….I could not fully transport myself to that moment. I didn’t have the power to bring back what once was. Or travel back to that moment. Oh how I desperately wanted to. No matter how much I thought of it, I couldn’t format the ‘back travel’ like we can witness in a lovely movie setting.
I looked back at the little head nestled in my arms. I traced the shape of her cheeks and head with my eyes. Recognizing her mother in her little self. I was struck by the strength of the resemblance that I don’t always see, because I am so busy seeing just her-when I look at her.
It was enough.
Though I can’t go back I recognize I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to miss this.
The flash of familiarity when I sang her the song I sang to her mother, the response of her hum-singing along, the perfect micro-moment when it hit me how holding her now was so reminiscent of how I held her mother. That was the closest, and longest, I was ever going to get to going back to those moments.
And it was okay.
Because being here still gives me time to travel.
And maybe….one day….. I’ll have a moment in the future when I hold another baby. And for a micro-moment there will be a flash of familiarity. A flash of treja-vu. When I remember holding this baby. This baby who nestles warmly, secure that I am loving her and protecting her. She is safe in my arms and my heart.
Though my thoughts may travel hither and yon….. I’m very content to be right here. Right now.
Where I am.