The other day I was holding my daughter’s daughter. I was singing ‘Amazing Grace’ to her while rocking her. Wanting her to sleep off her crankiness. She began to sing with me in her not quite words humming manner until she nodded off.
I didn’t want to put her down.
I looked at her and saw, newly, how much she resembled her mother at that age.
In that moment I closed my eyes. Picturing the home I lived in when my daughter was that baby. And try as I might….I could not fully transport myself to that moment. I didn’t have the power to bring back what once was. Or travel back to that moment. Oh how I desperately wanted to. No matter how much I thought of it, I couldn’t format the ‘back travel’ like we can witness in a lovely movie setting.
I looked back at the little head nestled in my arms. I traced the shape of her cheeks and head with my eyes. Recognizing her mother in her little self. I was struck by the strength of the resemblance that I don’t always see, because I am so busy seeing just her-when I look at her.
It was enough.
Though I can’t go back I recognize I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to miss this.
The flash of familiarity when I sang her the song I sang to her mother, the response of her hum-singing along, the perfect micro-moment when it hit me how holding her now was so reminiscent of how I held her mother. That was the closest, and longest, I was ever going to get to going back to those moments.
And it was okay.
Because being here still gives me time to travel.
Forward.
And maybe….one day….. I’ll have a moment in the future when I hold another baby. And for a micro-moment there will be a flash of familiarity. A flash of treja-vu. When I remember holding this baby. This baby who nestles warmly, secure that I am loving her and protecting her. She is safe in my arms and my heart.
Though my thoughts may travel hither and yon….. I’m very content to be right here. Right now.
Where I am.
I have never been one to want to travel back in time to when my kids were little. Every stage in life brings something exciting!
You are NOT kidding. Excitement never goes away. Even when they are older. It’s kind of amazing and surprising. I thought I was the only adult parent of (semi) adult children who still reacted like I always have.
Well, so far at 8 and 12, I’m not immune to the little changes. My son is getting into puberty and I really can’t wait to see what he will look like as a young man.
That reminds me of something I wrote when I was pregnant for my first….about how I couldn’t wait to hear her voice, see her face, see how she grows and becomes her little self. And I’m STILL looking forward to those things. 🙂
I hear that.
Beautiful Colleen. I don’t have grandkids yet, but I can easily imagine your thought travel 😉
Thank you Irene. It is a time warp at times. 🙂
and right where you are now is perfect.
I agree Beth 🙂
Such lovely thoughts warm my soul.
🙂 Thank you BikeBrown ❤
Agree with the hubby. Warm my soul too.
Thank you Paulette ❤
What a wonderful post! Little ones can sure turn our hearts inside out – including our memories. It’s nice to be able to reminisce while still enjoying the moment. You were enjoying the here and now as well as the what use to be. What a beautiful moment that was!
Thank you Priceless, you captured it perfectly. 🙂 I did do those things. And it was beautiful. ❤
It is funny because up until recently, my son had two daughters and my daughter had two sons. So, even though there is part of my son in the M&M girls, there is my blonde DIL and her sweet features, too. My grandsons do remind me of my son. I even call Skyler, “Jamie” while poor Jamie is often called my brother’s name, “Randy.”
So, holding my “grandies” just makes me yearn for time to stand still and if it has to move forward~~ let it be ever so slowly, Colleen.
I agree, time go ahead, do your thing. Just S…….L…….O……W down.
Treja vu! Love that and you should copyright it. As for your view of past, present and future bonding — that’s a win-win. … Win. Great stuff, Colleen!
Thanks Jim! Technically I copyrighted all words in the universe a few years ago on this blog. 😉 Everyone in the world owes me royalties ….. they just haven’t been paying. 🙂
And the win-win? THat’s the best pay off. Thank you!!!
I recommend putting a collection jar on your desk. But you have to charge more than a penny for your thoughts!
Nice new word treja vu. I like it, and a lovely post too 🙂
Yeah….the deja vu didn’t work when it’s repeated AGAIN. 🙂 Thank you Niaaeryn.
What a lovely attempt at time travel, Colleen. When those flashes of memory come they can be quite bittersweet, but warm and comforting. I think the longing that comes isn’t to come back, but to wish I’d been more “present” in those moments because they went by all too quickly. You’ve given me a precious reminder to be sure I don’t short-change this “go-round” with my precious “daughter’s daughters.” What a beautiful reminder. ox
My gosh Debra! HOW am I missing all of these comments!!!! I’m so sorry!
And thank you for this comment. I want so badly to not miss out on anything. And selfishly. I want them to remember me with all of the wonderful moments. 😉
Mind travel, so precious, MBC. I am quite taken with this grand baby humming along to Amazing Grace in her secure and comforted and loved state in your arms, my friend. That truly is amazing to me.
Thanks MBM. I’ve heard her ‘hum sing’ before but she surprised me with this one. Made me quite heart happy!