My Fear Is My Purpose

Hate.   I don’t get you.  So many things are done in your name.  So many things are done with you as the prompt and the excuse.   But I don’t get it.   I don’t get you hate.  And I don’t want to.

I am not filled with hate so there are certain actions I don’t understand.

I don’t understand people expending and even creating energy to spew you in to other’s lives.

Please know, hate, that I don’t confuse you with anger.  I get angry.  And then I try to get past angry.   I don’t get angry and allow it to take me into your neighborhood, or anywhere near your existence.  I look for ways to get rid of anger so it doesn’t simmer in to a slow and rolling and killing boil.  So it doesn’t turn me into you.

I don’t even know how to respond to you.  You surprise me when you are flung at me.  I have to admit, that makes me angry.   When I am being assaulted with hate and I’m looking at or listening to your assualt, I am not tempted to turn to you.  I am not tempted to become you,  hate.  I am horrified by what I see or hear.    My beliefs and the core of my humanity repel you even more.  I am strengthened to not become you.

But you still exist.

You think you have the right to judge.

You think you have the right to condemn.

You make decisions you have no right to make.

You stir the pot, poke the bear and fart out nauseous gases.

I have no desire to do those things.  Be those things.  Or accept those things.

But when you stir, poke and fart you intrude in to my world.

I smell you, feel your presence, and fear you.

I have cowered in your presence.  I am shocked by you.  How am I supposed to respond to irrational reasoning and lack of understanding?  How are those of us willing to work towards healing, compromise, tolerance,  understanding and compassion supposed to respond to something so vile and full of contempt.

I have cowered for lack of knowledge on how to respond.  I cowered, bewildered at being a target.  I cowered, because I care about how your actions may impact someone else if I respond with a rousing and powerful Fuck You!

Don’t let that fool you, hate.

My fear is not a surrender.

My fear is not an acquiescence.

My fear is an energy.

My fear is empowerment.

My fear is not yours to manipulate.

My fear is my purpose.

Whatever name you go by.  Whatever form you take.  Whatever scent you try to persuade me with.

You will never, ever, own me.


Speaking something with hate and contempt does not make it true.

It just makes you hateful and contemptuous.



28 thoughts on “My Fear Is My Purpose

  1. VERY VERY POWERFUL!! You know I write a lot about hatred, prejudice, and intolerance. My take: it’s a very fragile ego with a closed off (perhaps wounded) heart. One can only hope and pray that the light of tolerance gains a hold into those closed hearts. It takes a good soul with a kind heart to accept another as-is, to embrace differences without losing their own identity. You exemplify such a human being. Thank you for this very thoughtful, powerful post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Paulette. I sometimes think I’m not made for this world. I just can’t fathom the level of hate that exists. I’m not perfect. I ‘don’t’ understand everything and I know I don’t agree with everyone….but I don’t want to live by the ethos of hate. I just can’t. So, thank you.


  2. This was a very serious essay, Colleen. I liked how you will stand up against hate. No, hate or hatred will never “own” me, either! There will be a bond of love formed against it, starting with you, then adding each of us.
    Let’s stretch our bond of love across the world.
    Hate is a word I received one of two face slaps in my whole life from my Mom. I said I “hated” someone at school, out of jealousy when I was in third grade, (I think.) Mom said to never use that word about a person. She said it was okay to say about a car that had a flat tire or something, like a situation. I usually call a flat tire, “stupid.” My grandies say “you” are not allowed to call “anything or anyone at school- – stupid.” Now I have to find another word, maybe “silly” or just say “what a pain!”
    But, here and now, I will declare this: I hate “Hate!”

    Liked by 1 person

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