I Think I Scared My Daughter

I think I scared my daughter.

So I’m here to straighten that out.

Twice in the past two weeks I have been struck asunder by a virus from hell.  During the second go-round I was lying at home, barely able to move, or lift a bottle of water to my ever getting drier lips.  My youngest daughter had to pick up something from my house and came upon me suffering it out at home.  Because, I can.  I knew that no damn virus was going to out power me.

My daughter insisted we seek medical treatment.  She was calm.  Not pushy so much as…..quiet.  I could see in her face she was concerned.  I didn’t have much energy.  I wanted to feel better, no argument there at all.  But I was anticipating getting ready, walking to the car, and sitting in the car to go get medical attention.  I weighed that against how horrible I felt.  I would have been content to lie on the couch another 24 hours.  The only thing that made me decide to go, was her face.   I could be wrong, but she looked scared.

I’m much improved from that moment.

But I can’t shake her face.  Her quiet, concerned, face.

For all of her life I have prided myself on my ability to power through whatever I needed to get through.  Often times dragging my kids-kicking and screaming-with me.  I have yelled when I wanted to cry.  I have cried alone when I wanted help but there was no one to ask.  I sought help when I was embarrassed by the need.  And often did without when I was in need.

It’s what parents do.

I never want my children, adult or not, to see me suffer or see me in pain.  For all of the reasons I should or should not feel this-I do.

And I’m fine with that.

When I’m 99 and staring back at them with a raised eye brow I want them to know I mean business.

When I reach out a hand to shake some sense (because I think I have that kind of power) in to this maddening world I want them to see a capable hand.  No matter if the rest of the world only sees an aged and weakened hand.  It’s what they see that matters.

When I sing Amazing Grace to their great grandchildren I want them to smile at the memory of them being sung that very same hymn, as I put them to bed with song and prayer.

I don’t want to see fear in their eyes at the thought of me suffering, or God forbid, leaving.  Because the undeniable truth is-I am going to get weaker.  I am going to leave.   And that’s okay.

Because it’s only here that I will be leaving.   I will not leave them.  Love doesn’t leave.

It’s just transformed.

I am not immortal.  No matter what my inordinate opinion of my power is.

But I am powerfully human.

And always

Always

Their badass mother.

Damn virus.

 

 

In every sense of these things:  I carried each child under my heart, in my arms and upon my back.  I have never, and will never, put them down.

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47 thoughts on “I Think I Scared My Daughter

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    You have raised a beautiful and caring daughter, just like you. How are you feeling now?

    • You are so kind to me 1J1. I am feeling MUCH better. I can’t believe the difference from Wednesday and Thursday. I feel so bad for everyone going through this crud. And thank you, for asking. 🙂

  2. “Their badass mother”… they are some lucky kids.

  3. duncanr says:

    hope you’re soon back on your feet – fit and healthy x

  4. tric says:

    That was a scary moment for both of you.
    My mum is now older and weaker but still well able and very definitely still the boss of the family. It’s not all about the body!

    • It’s not at all Tric. It was an interesting moment. And I could have read it wrong. But as sick as I was, and as concerned, and quiet as she was, it struck that she seemed to “see me” differently. Even if only because I was so ill. Kind of shook me.

  5. Sue Vincent says:

    Hope the virus has departed… and I understand perfectly. As I have grown much older than my sons usually notice or realise, I have been given my orders…I am not allowed to die without first obtaining permission and having it signed off in triplicate.

  6. I hope you are better now 🙂

  7. ksbeth says:

    she reminds me of you

  8. Bless your sweet daughter. She’s a lucky woman to have you, a badass momma. ❤ ❤ ❤
    Feel better soon.

  9. Your last line, a universal thought…just beautiful, Colleen. Thanks

  10. Wonderful post! I hope you are well very very soon!

  11. reocochran says:

    I love this message but NOT your being down with a darn virus! xo
    You described this so completely, it almost is a combination Get Well and Mother’s Day card, Colleen!! ❤

    • 😉 Thank you Robin. I am feeling much better. It struck me twice in two weeks. I swear if we would have at least a short deep freeze it might kill some of these daggone evil viruses! 😉

      • reocochran says:

        There are many people getting knocked off their feet and have a horrible time rebounding. I am so glad you hike and bike, which gave you the strength to battle those “doggone evil viruses!” 🙂

        • This has been a wicked season of illness. My coworkers have been battling different bugs for MONTHS. I didn’t even get those bugs. I am hiking and riding to ward off all that I can! 😉

  12. Ditto what Carolin! They are very lucky. ❤

  13. russtowne says:

    Your posts are beautiful gifts. I open them eagerly, as a child, unable to wait to see what’s inside. They often bring smiles to my face, warmth to my heart, brighten cloudy days, and evoke loving memories and thoughts. Please keep them coming, dear friend.

  14. Very profound, and very true Colleen. It is a little scary when someone seems so worried about you. Glad to hear you are much improved now.

  15. Hope you are well now dear xx

  16. Debra says:

    How awful to have been so very ill! When it’s too much effort to get to a doctor you know you’re down for the count. I am sure you accurately interpreted your daughter’s concern and fear, and I’m sure this occasion has made a very deep impression on her as well. I hope you are continuing to feel better. It might take a while to be back to your usual spirited self!

    • I am feeling well. I am tired. It has been too warm of a winter, and it’s been full of sick people every where. I am SO excited that I did not catch anything for our vacation. That would have been horrible. I’m surprised I was able to avoid it as long as I did.

  17. sorry bout the damn virus but a mother’s love so beautifully expressed…

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