I’m Tired

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I’m tired.

I wake up every day to do what I have to, and what I’m supposed to, do.  If I’m lucky I do something I want to do.

I go to work.  I pay my bills.  I give to charity.  I help others I can help.  Sometimes I might be the one in need of help.  I am busy not sitting back and doing nothing.

I wake up eager to live and explore, to do, and to be a part of making something better.  My father always told us to leave a place better than you found it.  Some days maybe I don’t make it better, exactly.  But with the energy expended on life, if I go to bed, close my eyes and say “thank you Lord for not letting me make it worse down here today” I count that as a win.

Work, and life, and helping, and doing, don’t wear me out.

But I am worn down.

I’m so very tired of being told what I am.  I wake up every day to news reports, “opinion” papers, social media memes and “news” telling me what I am.

Because of my race I am this.

Because of my gender I am that.

Because of my nationality I am this, that and something else.

I’m tired of taking punches for something I am.  For everyone throwing the blanket statements over me and raising their noses in righteousness, you don’t know what or who I am when you cover me with your itchy and weighted blankets.

What I am is a white, female, American.  I was not given a choice in any of that.  Those things did not protect me from losing my home, from being abused, from having to clean toilets for a living, from having identity and self worth issues, from being snubbed, from being looked down on, and having some pretty inferior, humiliating and frightening life experiences.

My experiences in life have helped me with empathy, humility, gratitude, acceptance, faith in the human spirit, and hope.  My growth as a human gives me the courage and respect of others to apologize for what I have done wrong, or take responsibility for my actions.  I cannot apologize or take responsibility for what I have not done.  It doesn’t work that way.

Please stop punching me for what I am, and see me for who I am.

Isn’t that what part of the preaching is all about?

I can only promise, that I will do my best to leave this place I found myself in, a little bit better.  I may not always know how.  But I will keep trying.  Tired and exhausted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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79 thoughts on “I’m Tired”

  1. I am also a white American woman and I recognize that not everyone is that and because of that they are and unwelcome in my country and their children are taken from them and many, right now, do not know where their children are or what is happening to them. I am tired but I will not stop fighting this harsh reality.

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    • Thank you Heart. And that is part of what I am saying. Being a white, American female, does not say I I don’t recognize this and does not say I don’t feel the same way. Not everyone is what I am. And I am not what everyone else is. But we all are somebody.

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  3. I see you. I know you. I empathize with you. But most of all, and most importantly, I just love you. The “who you are” matters a great deal to the “who I am”.

    Liked by 4 people

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  4. I’m not sure what to say, there’s so many questions to our lives and the present world we are surrounded by. It’s all very tiring on our conscientiousness, but we keep trying our best. It’s 2.00am here, and I don’t sleep, and I continually worry about our future. 🤔I shall keep trying, and yes dad wouldn’t have it any other way xx

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  6. Throw open the windows. Throw open the doors and breathe. Do your best. Thanks to your Dad and my Dad and all the people who mother and father us. Be kind to one another. I watch the children of my children and wonder what their world will be like. I know we can leave things better than we found them. Thank you Colleen.

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  8. Colleen, I love this post, and all the comments of all the people who want to leave things a little better than they found them, just like your father urged you to do. Just like so many of our fathers and mothers urged us to do. With so many concerned folk, no matter how small our individual effort is, we are sure to succeed.

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    • Thank you Infinite. I hope that others relate, in some way. I usually try to write in a manner that is more general, or relatable. I fear I failed to get this across in the manner I hoped to. I so appreciate everyone’s feedback and comments. And you are right, I do not want to be limited to what others define ‘me’ as.

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      • One of the significant shades of the meaning of Infinite Living is how we are infinitely more than all the designations, named relations, definitions given to us – I felt I lived a lot of life trapped in them. I have hoped to convey this somehow through my work and haven’t ever specifically explained the sentiment behind what the name means to me. Your work so many times gives words to all the unsaid for me. I guess this particular post is very vast and deep to try and understand how it relates to whom- I did get a lot of awareness and familiarity in it.

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        • I think that is the wonderful thing about ‘writing’ and then reading. What I write may not go into someone else’s awareness the same way it came out of mine, but there is something in it that they connect to because of their experience. I do think there are connections that may or may not be similar, but resonate for whatever reason.

          Thank you for your always insightful comment.

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  13. I will grab one paddle you can grab another and hopefully we along with everyone else in this rather large boat can steer us to something better someday. Funny isn’t is how so many can be in a boat, steering away from so few on shore.

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  14. It is indeed an exhausting time we’re living in, Colleen. No matter how much I contribute in any direction in life, it always ends up feeling, to me, like I’m not doing enough. I do think your goal of simply leaving “this place” better for you having been here, is a wonderful focus. I think we all have some very big challenges yet to come in our lives if we don’t learn how to listen more and react less defensively. I do hope you have a restorative weekend, my friend.

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    • I do feel like I’m not doing enough.

      I do worry this was too defensive in it’s ‘feel’. I didn’t want to sound defensive, though I think it does. I hope, everyday, to ‘listen’ better. I know that is something I struggle with. And at the same time, I feel like I am not heard. I’m guilty of the very thing I wish would change.

      Thank you for your feedback Debra, I really appreciate it. ❤

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  15. People judge other people according to their subjective perception and put them in drawers. This is our nature…I think. Only a few people we get to know more closely, we see the real being and recognize this uniqueness …. but that takes time and time has hardly anyone today.
    Trying to do the best and being the best I, is just what makes a beautiful person. And this beauty can help to make the earth more beautiful for our children and also to make our fellow human beings more beautiful.

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      • Oh thank you Colleen!!! who does not to be more conscious of this? I think you are quite one of the people who knows and practice very good. I felt always beeing part of the beauty I create. The problem starts if you start to be discontent, disappointed, longing for something you do not have, be jealousy,angry and all this other negativ emotions wich are becoming too big because you care so much. You know that this emotions distroy your beauty and though it if hard to fight them because they are exactly there because there is the same quantity of beautiful emotions and love which you try to give and they were declined. Maybe a accumulation of feelings? This is what I feel. But of course there are lots of people who not even know about this power of giving… this is the main problem for the world not our individual longings which are egoistic anyway ….

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  19. your message is so relevant and impacting today. we are judged as women, we are told to mold to a shape, we are told to be what society thinks we should be. Race is just another excuse for the “powerful” to justify their sovereignty. I completely identify with you on this part. I too like to differentiate myself from others as someone eager to learn and explore the impossibilities in life! It’s not about race, gender, or anything else anyone, only what do we wish to add to this world. it’s people such as yourself, with that kind of attitude the shake up the earth. If more people were focused on someone’s potential, on who they are and who they seek to be, we as a global society will progress so much more quickly than we have in the last thousand of years. Thank you for your words, you represent a lost voice often buried under the clout of society and prejudice that surrounds us. Never give up or lose your voice, this is what the world needs to hear.

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  24. Thank you so much for putting this into words. I feel exactly the same. We are all putting each other in boxes and hating each other, without ever knowing each other. It is exhausting. We are all human. I don’t know why that isn’t the only thing that matters. Who we are, what we do, our intentions and decisions, those all matter. It is exhausting.

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  27. So true. I follow my own road and not the road someone else wants to map out for me. Peoples opinions are just static to me in a world full of noise!

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  29. This sounds exactly like me. It is a comfort to me that others are like me, and that I am not alone.
    I struggle with life all this time. I live and work with verbally abusive people. I have been put down so many times, until I felt worthless and pathetic.
    I don’t feel like people see me for who I am. They don’t even try. I am invisible.
    It’s tough.

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