I’m tired.
I wake up every day to do what I have to, and what I’m supposed to, do. If I’m lucky I do something I want to do.
I go to work. I pay my bills. I give to charity. I help others I can help. Sometimes I might be the one in need of help. I am busy not sitting back and doing nothing.
I wake up eager to live and explore, to do, and to be a part of making something better. My father always told us to leave a place better than you found it. Some days maybe I don’t make it better, exactly. But with the energy expended on life, if I go to bed, close my eyes and say “thank you Lord for not letting me make it worse down here today” I count that as a win.
Work, and life, and helping, and doing, don’t wear me out.
But I am worn down.
I’m so very tired of being told what I am. I wake up every day to news reports, “opinion” papers, social media memes and “news” telling me what I am.
Because of my race I am this.
Because of my gender I am that.
Because of my nationality I am this, that and something else.
I’m tired of taking punches for something I am. For everyone throwing the blanket statements over me and raising their noses in righteousness, you don’t know what or who I am when you cover me with your itchy and weighted blankets.
What I am is a white, female, American. I was not given a choice in any of that. Those things did not protect me from losing my home, from being abused, from having to clean toilets for a living, from having identity and self worth issues, from being snubbed, from being looked down on, and having some pretty inferior, humiliating and frightening life experiences.
My experiences in life have helped me with empathy, humility, gratitude, acceptance, faith in the human spirit, and hope. My growth as a human gives me the courage and respect of others to apologize for what I have done wrong, or take responsibility for my actions. I cannot apologize or take responsibility for what I have not done. It doesn’t work that way.
Please stop punching me for what I am, and see me for who I am.
Isn’t that what part of the preaching is all about?
I can only promise, that I will do my best to leave this place I found myself in, a little bit better. I may not always know how. But I will keep trying. 
©
I am also a white American woman and I recognize that not everyone is that and because of that they are and unwelcome in my country and their children are taken from them and many, right now, do not know where their children are or what is happening to them. I am tired but I will not stop fighting this harsh reality.
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Thank you Heart. And that is part of what I am saying. Being a white, American female, does not say I I don’t recognize this and does not say I don’t feel the same way. Not everyone is what I am. And I am not what everyone else is. But we all are somebody.
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Deep. thought provoking piece full of real life problems of today. This was a masterpiece.
Hate all of this labeling, too. Bravo.
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Thank you TLAB, I do feel I would rather expend energy doing rather than dodging, or throwing for that matter.
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My sentiments exactly. Why waste time making labels when we could spend time on making the world a better place.
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Following my dad’s suggestion. I’m trying.
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I see you. I know you. I empathize with you. But most of all, and most importantly, I just love you. The “who you are” matters a great deal to the “who I am”.
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Maureen, thank you. The who you are is loved by the who I am. Thank you for accepting me, foibles and all. ❤
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Our society needs to realize everyone for their worth and celebrate everyone’s uniqueness.
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We need not the society to empathize only one person is enough to start!!
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I think, fortunately, that many are now doing this. 🙂
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I’m not sure what to say, there’s so many questions to our lives and the present world we are surrounded by. It’s all very tiring on our conscientiousness, but we keep trying our best. It’s 2.00am here, and I don’t sleep, and I continually worry about our future. 🤔I shall keep trying, and yes dad wouldn’t have it any other way xx
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So true Ivor. I have been reading books by some islanders written about 100 years ago. It both comforts me and scares me, the islanders wrote the same things we are saying now, back then. They wrote how different things were, how scary things were, how concerned they were for the state of us all.
I will do my best to not create problems, help to be a resolution to problems that exist, and clean up any messes I make (and I know I am guilty).
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Yes it’s an ongoing problem, and we’ll just have to keep doing our bit 😊
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That’s my goal Ivor. 🙂
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THIS is PERFECT. And I love who you am ❤
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Why thank you! I love who you am too! ❤
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Throw open the windows. Throw open the doors and breathe. Do your best. Thanks to your Dad and my Dad and all the people who mother and father us. Be kind to one another. I watch the children of my children and wonder what their world will be like. I know we can leave things better than we found them. Thank you Colleen.
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What a wonderful comment Moonwatcher51. That is what I need to focus on. It’s what I want to do. Be better. Do better. Help with change.
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Ditto what tara wrote, I love who you are. ❤
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Thank you so very much Paulette. I love who you are too ❤
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Colleen, I love this post, and all the comments of all the people who want to leave things a little better than they found them, just like your father urged you to do. Just like so many of our fathers and mothers urged us to do. With so many concerned folk, no matter how small our individual effort is, we are sure to succeed.
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Thank you Peter. I love your comment. And I believe what you believe. And I think we can do it too. ❤
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Just keep being you!
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I think I’m stuck doing just that Jodi 🙂
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It’s already better cause we keep on trying. And you are so much more…more than any way you have been defined…
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Thank you GB. It’s not necessarily just about me, but ‘we’. No matter who you are, or where you are from, to be covered by a blanket statement seems so contrary to what everyone keeps saying about love everyone for who they are. I hope I’m making sense, I worry I’m not.
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I see. Words are getting in the way. The rhetoric is cranked up out there. No worries, though…I do understand your thoughts.
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That’s it, the rhetoric. It is plowing into us like tidal waves. Thank you for understanding GB, that does give me comfort.
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we go this ….
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I honor your deep writing with a comment …but I do not want to use any words …
What they see in you is their perception, you are never limited to that.
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Thank you Infinite. I hope that others relate, in some way. I usually try to write in a manner that is more general, or relatable. I fear I failed to get this across in the manner I hoped to. I so appreciate everyone’s feedback and comments. And you are right, I do not want to be limited to what others define ‘me’ as.
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One of the significant shades of the meaning of Infinite Living is how we are infinitely more than all the designations, named relations, definitions given to us – I felt I lived a lot of life trapped in them. I have hoped to convey this somehow through my work and haven’t ever specifically explained the sentiment behind what the name means to me. Your work so many times gives words to all the unsaid for me. I guess this particular post is very vast and deep to try and understand how it relates to whom- I did get a lot of awareness and familiarity in it.
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I think that is the wonderful thing about ‘writing’ and then reading. What I write may not go into someone else’s awareness the same way it came out of mine, but there is something in it that they connect to because of their experience. I do think there are connections that may or may not be similar, but resonate for whatever reason.
Thank you for your always insightful comment.
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*I want to honor your deep writing …
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I will grab one paddle you can grab another and hopefully we along with everyone else in this rather large boat can steer us to something better someday. Funny isn’t is how so many can be in a boat, steering away from so few on shore.
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I would gladly work with others to make things better. I think I do that, I hope I do. Thank you!
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It is indeed an exhausting time we’re living in, Colleen. No matter how much I contribute in any direction in life, it always ends up feeling, to me, like I’m not doing enough. I do think your goal of simply leaving “this place” better for you having been here, is a wonderful focus. I think we all have some very big challenges yet to come in our lives if we don’t learn how to listen more and react less defensively. I do hope you have a restorative weekend, my friend.
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I do feel like I’m not doing enough.
I do worry this was too defensive in it’s ‘feel’. I didn’t want to sound defensive, though I think it does. I hope, everyday, to ‘listen’ better. I know that is something I struggle with. And at the same time, I feel like I am not heard. I’m guilty of the very thing I wish would change.
Thank you for your feedback Debra, I really appreciate it. ❤
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People judge other people according to their subjective perception and put them in drawers. This is our nature…I think. Only a few people we get to know more closely, we see the real being and recognize this uniqueness …. but that takes time and time has hardly anyone today.
Trying to do the best and being the best I, is just what makes a beautiful person. And this beauty can help to make the earth more beautiful for our children and also to make our fellow human beings more beautiful.
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What a lovely comment Anie. Thank you. I do need to be more conscious of the beauty I can create and be a part of. I just like this comment so much.
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Oh thank you Colleen!!! who does not to be more conscious of this? I think you are quite one of the people who knows and practice very good. I felt always beeing part of the beauty I create. The problem starts if you start to be discontent, disappointed, longing for something you do not have, be jealousy,angry and all this other negativ emotions wich are becoming too big because you care so much. You know that this emotions distroy your beauty and though it if hard to fight them because they are exactly there because there is the same quantity of beautiful emotions and love which you try to give and they were declined. Maybe a accumulation of feelings? This is what I feel. But of course there are lots of people who not even know about this power of giving… this is the main problem for the world not our individual longings which are egoistic anyway ….
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Thank you Anie. I try to be good, I am honest enough to say I am not always. I can be all of those negative things. But I don’t want to be. So I try to make sure I use the positive to learn, to change, and to not be the very things I don’t like.
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This is very wise and I am sure you will make it… I want the same and as I think there is a lot to learn I hope I will feel the change in little steps of motivation!
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Little steps can take us very far. 🙂
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this is a great motivation and I will take this to slep now…too late already here…thank you so much Colleen and have a great evening.
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You’re very welcome Anie. Sweet dreams.
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you are amazing exactly as you are. it is so important to never assume to know who someone is, before you know their real story.
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Yes Beth! I want to be better at doing this too. It’s not that I expect it from the world only, I hope for me to get better at it too. Thank you.
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As always, you say exactly what should be said.
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Thank you BCM, I worry I trip over my words and they don’t come out well. I appreciate you.
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Same!
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Thank you! (For understanding)
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You do succeed in my eyes, MBC.
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THank you MBM. And even if I misstep, I feel you would kindly let me know. 🙂 That’s friendship!
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your message is so relevant and impacting today. we are judged as women, we are told to mold to a shape, we are told to be what society thinks we should be. Race is just another excuse for the “powerful” to justify their sovereignty. I completely identify with you on this part. I too like to differentiate myself from others as someone eager to learn and explore the impossibilities in life! It’s not about race, gender, or anything else anyone, only what do we wish to add to this world. it’s people such as yourself, with that kind of attitude the shake up the earth. If more people were focused on someone’s potential, on who they are and who they seek to be, we as a global society will progress so much more quickly than we have in the last thousand of years. Thank you for your words, you represent a lost voice often buried under the clout of society and prejudice that surrounds us. Never give up or lose your voice, this is what the world needs to hear.
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You said exactly what I have been feeling for a long time.
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I’m glad you connect with me Patty. It can be so overwhelming.
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❤
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“But I will keep trying.” – Chatter Master
Stay strong, Chatter. This mentality is good enough and you will one day make any place better.
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Thank you VERY much Mikenai, what a kind thing to say.
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Super perfect!
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Thank you Emanmoustafa!
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I love this!.
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Thank you Kita’s Thoughts!
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Thank you so much for putting this into words. I feel exactly the same. We are all putting each other in boxes and hating each other, without ever knowing each other. It is exhausting. We are all human. I don’t know why that isn’t the only thing that matters. Who we are, what we do, our intentions and decisions, those all matter. It is exhausting.
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Thank you for understanding what I was trying to say here. It is exhausting, what we are all doing to one another.
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Thanks for the read. Too much media outlets today, I think.
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I agree, and too many outlets that are not ‘news’ but is presented like news. Thank you for reading.
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You are welcome! I guess one of the drawbacks to the modern age.
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Amen to that.
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You are wonderful as you are.
Nowdays people judge so quickly.. but the point is how do we overcome that and use it for our own benefit. Amazing post
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Thank you Anonymouslysocial (love the name). We are so quick, and I can’t say that without taking responsibility for my part in that. I am always trying to learn how to be ‘better’.
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So true. I follow my own road and not the road someone else wants to map out for me. Peoples opinions are just static to me in a world full of noise!
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SOOOOOOOOOO much noise.
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Thank you for being the you that you’ve become and are becoming. I’m glad YOU are in my life.
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Thank you Russ, the feeling is mutual. It is a very good thing when I know where I can turn for peace, common sense, kindness and compassion. Like you.
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This sounds exactly like me. It is a comfort to me that others are like me, and that I am not alone.
I struggle with life all this time. I live and work with verbally abusive people. I have been put down so many times, until I felt worthless and pathetic.
I don’t feel like people see me for who I am. They don’t even try. I am invisible.
It’s tough.
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How about go to travel few days or few weeks, or even few months?
Maybe the escape from your present life, such as traveling, can let you find and realize something:)
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